They Call Me Athlete

Running-blur

 

They Call Me Athlete

I run, I lift, I walk, I squat-

I swim, I spin, I paddle, I peddle-

I give, I try, I win, I lose-

I push, I pull, I am fast, I am strong

I jump, I shoot, I hit, I catch-

I listen, I question, I decide, I move-

I sweat, I bruise, I bleed, I sprain-

I ice, I elevate, I stretch, I recover-

I study, I learn, I watch, I hear-

I encourage, I help, I cheer, I strategize-

I do not QUIT-

They Call Me Athlete.

Did she or didn’t she??

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Few may know this about me, but I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  It can happen anytime as long as I feel safe and comfortable.  I can fall asleep in the middle of an action-packed triller, a romantic comedy, or any movie or book for that matter.  At the end of every day, no matter what was happening that day–my body relaxes and my eyes just shut.  Yes, I am one of those people who try to fight it-sometimes one eye open, then two, then one again….this could go on for an hour. In and out, in and out as I fight sleep-sometimes even being taunted by those who claim they love me.

My husband and children think it’s hilarious to shout and yell mom just as my eyes close, always I am startled awake and the room fills with laughter.

Just this weekend, while on a quick trip to Great Wolf Lodge in Grand Mound, WA. with my sister and her two daughters, I was reminded of their love for me.  I was told at the end of the trip, that they all were trying to talk to me and mess with me…just as I was falling asleep each night.  Asking me questions, and I was answering them with nonsense as if, I was coherent.

Yes, Yes, my sister of all people, know I can fall asleep anywhere.  I think her least favorite past time is starting movies with me-any genre, no matter the movie title or who’s in it, or how bad we wanted to see it together-I usually miss 3/4 of the movie and she is left awake giggling to herself because she can never stop a movie in the the middle and restart it later.  She and my husband have this same problem, they can’t sleep until it’s over. And for me, that’s not really a problem.

Does it really matter, how many movies that I have started one night with someone and finished the next day alone?  I don’t think so but to some, I could say, I understand this frustration when they lean over to me to say something and again I am sawing ZZZ’s as they are trapped awake and can’t possible hit pause on the movie and join me in my slumber. I know, I am not the only one who suffers from early on set sleep mode when the play button is pushed at the beginning of a movie.  Come on, I know you people exist out there.

Anyway, this weekend, I remember begin curled up under the most wonderful Chenille blanket on my sister’s side of the double bed we shared for the weekend…kids running around making noise…I remember feeling this smooth wave of rest wash over me and no, the t.v. was not on. I dozed off again.  At one point, I continuously remember feeling a small brush or tickle on the bottom of my feet or foot, I was not awake enough to know whether it was happening on one foot or both.  I was in a sleep state where I don’t actually know if someone was messing with me or if in my dream there were bugs tickling my feet, or feathers grazing across my bare feet, or for that matter, whether or not it was dear ol’ sis freaking messing with me.  I don’t remember her ever speaking or making a sound as I slept. The last thing I do remember was hearing my sister, say, “we will get our swimsuits on and meet you down at the pool, shortly.”

So, I am on the bed in my tortured bug infested dream…imagining or feeling (in real life) that my feet were being -ucked with…I lurch forward at the hips to what felt like slamming my head up against a brick wall and awake by my dear sister, who decides it would be a good idea….while her wonderful little sister sleeps…to tickle her forehead and nose with the corner of the feather weight Chenille blanket.

I am now awake…not really awake in the way, I like to wake up slowly. But jerked up by her stupid humor…..and who actually thought that was hilarious but herself and the empty quiet room she was in. Oh’ boy did she ever think it was hilarious!

As for myself, not so much.  We get dressed and I begin to tell her about my foot issue….was it a dream or was she actually messing with me??  Of course, she denied nothing of the sort.  And she stuck with that answer.

The weekend passes and it’s never brought up again…did I ever get even with her for tickling my forehead and nose??? No.  Oh, but I will!

So, I am asking you. Do you think she was messing with me the whole time….were the bugs on my feet disguised and it was really my sister’s fingers?? Or, if I know her as well as I think I do, possibly a plastic fork?

Either way, she’ll get hers next time we see each other!

 

 

 

 

Inside Me

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I feel my identity growing inside me

pieces of me falling like water –

dripping from a leaking faucet

 

my mind has gained all the knowledge

childhood and adolescents can provide

 

my trust is much more than it should be

because of the stability my family has given me

 

my physical body has not been enough

although its been bruised and frail – its visited only a few

physical experiences that one can remember in happiness

 

my emotional

side –

is often seen from the expressions my face sheds –

its felt pain, love, grief , passion, deceit, and understanding

 

with this face I want to be seen –

 

I want to experience and I want to feel

life considering existence

inside of me.

 

My Version: The happiest days

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Dreaming away…

…the day I graduated from college after taking two years off, the day I met my- now husband, cooking on Sundays with Angie, being with my family, reuniting with old friends, having Starbucks with my sister, watching our kids play together, the day I found out I was pregnant and then…having twins, watching my brother with my twins, being proud of him and what he has accomplished, the day I realized I was successful and comfortable in my job, zip-lining through treetops in Mexico with Scooter and Angie, the day I knew I was going to give my husband twin boys, the day he proposed, my wedding day, the first time- and the times after that I got a piece of writing published, watching Jason and Eric play with their nephews and listening to them all laugh, Daddy and his boys wrestling, having those “quick” talks with my Dad…If I only knew how much they would actually mean to me later, my Mom’s unconditional EVERYTHING, she knows me so well, a rainy day, a quiet house, a cup of tea, and a romantic comedy, a heated blanket, lots of pillows, oh-new pajamas, a sunny hot day at Eaglecrest, hearing the boys running back and forth around the deck, a cold beer, a pizza, pasta….. my SISTER and her ability to truly hear me without me speaking-miles apart and knowing I NEED her & she needs me, her strength, her honesty, she is my best friend (how lucky am I) her laughter, going to the spa with her in Washington, everything I try new with her, friends to just be in the moment with, my mother in law…planting flowers with the twins, the day our babies came home from the hospital, Sunday morning breakfast, my husband cooks, reading the paper, writing, and watching Horsepower and Power Stroke for him (Ugh), taking coffee to my husband when he is still in the shower so when he gets out it is waiting on the counter for him, watching my boys grow, hearing them speak, both of them reaching for me…them needing me…terrified one day they won’t want me, dancing with my father in law at my wedding, making him breakfast in Mexico…him telling me how to cook bacon, watching him with my boys…his strong exterior, tough to the bone attitude, and then, the twins walk to Grandpa, sitting in his brown leather chair, they kiss him and he learns down to them, he looks as if he doesn’t mind but I know it melts his heart, my husband’s work ethic, his passion for farming, he lets me hug him whenever I want….my husband laying next to me every night and all the nights after that one, his laugh…how he can always make me smile even when I am upset, the way he looks when he gets dressed up to go to the rodeo…shopping days with an old friend, the conversation I had with her…alone time with my husband, sister trips…just being with my sister…my family, knowing tomorrow there will be another day for us together… to become an author, to find something great, something beautiful in my children’s eyes, having my family close…and my new and old friends always in my thoughts…

 

Give & Take

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Do you ever get to place in your life where you are no longer getting anything out of a relationship?

For example; where silences get longer on the phone, a strange awkwardness when you are together in the same room, or perhaps something has happened between two people that simply can’t be undone. For one person it is not repairable but the other just continues on as if nothing has happened. This friend goes about her business and when it is convenient, she will resurface in your life again.

Sometimes, what breaks my heart the most is the idea that someone expects me to do something because it is what they want, with no understanding, what so ever that it might not work for the other person? I know there are takers and givers in every situation….in any relationship there should be reciprocal giving and taking. There will be days when one is just not strong enough to give and days where one takes more than the other.  It is the middle ground and equilibrium where the relationship should be steadfast itself.  The relationship itself should be able to balance itself on the tip on a needle…one will be overcompensating for the other but will understand that someday the favor will be returned.  Generally, in strong relationships, I believe this to be true. It is what I strive to practice.

I have struggled and I have loved in all my relationships, no matter whether we are friends or lovers. I have said goodbye and hello to people who have left my life and tried to return to my life. I do not pass judgement on past or present. I welcome the idea of moving on but I don’t want the same flaws to show up in the same relationships.  Automatically, my mind goes to “not this again”.

I have been have been braving a new path since the new year, working on my own dreams and taking care of my ever-growing 12 year old twins. I am working on projects that I don’t need to share with anyone.  I feel blessed to lean on the people who are there for me.  Who generally want to know about me?

Comfort finds me surprised getting your unexpected messages. I never know when they will come but each one puts me at ease.

Blessed

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A chill this morning

Cools my breath from skin to air,

The sky is still grey.

Unlike other days,

peach fuzz hair

does not stand on my neck,

my smile is not straight from waking

before the sun-

but curled upward at

the edge of my pink lips.

 

And I,

I can sit here all alone

And remember

our eyes meeting from across the room,

your mouth breaking

speech to glance and find

me content.

I watched your eyes lighten

While listening to the passion of others,

your eyes envied as another

spoke of his son.

 

 

And you,

Dreaming silently

of your own unborn child

and the way it will be,

when you are that blessed.

 

Your tone changed,

Somewhere between the last sunrise

and sunset

the sky has brightened

in the last moments,

pink cotton clouds

drift slowly across the blue backdrop sky.

The world moves around me,

a leaf falls from the skeleton

of a tree outside this window.

A grandfather smiles, watching

me write, from behind his

daily news.

 

And today, I know

the world is unaware

that I am blessed-

for knowing such a man

as passionate as my father,

as determined to get what

he knows and deserves-

and willing enough to share

his ear and shoulder with someone,

who is only just beginning to give

him, her heart.

Ivory Keys

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You are the white and black keys

surrounded by a life of music

Your wooden exterior, felted pads, and foot pedals

standing stable and upright –

There is always a silent invitation at your bench

some say your voice makes them live

It is with their gentle touch stroking your keys

that makes them love your music

different volumes, sounds, tones-

feelings and expression without words

This comes from the spirit of your lovers

Sometimes, you are silent and still

the composer away from you keys

in their mind – humming and singing

your sounds are imagined

Music that fits any mood and any season

flows like a stream from the rain

left by the night

You sing and dance in early hours and the darkness of night

your keys send a tumbling breeze out a cracked window

Generations have loved your voice

young ones fall in love

you are defined but allow newness…

and again, your sound is rediscovered

You will live on beyond this life…

timeless

Blurred Photograph

yellow-blurred-background

eyes painted with the color of autumn leaves

ears like raw silk under the touch

arms braided into one another

hiding your hands,

a watch connecting wrist to arm

tucked between the crease of your elbow

and the right side of your abdomen

your chin casting a shadow onto the nape of your neck

leaning against a sandstone wall

dropping this photograph into the sink of memory

floats like a feather to the drain

where the color dissolves

and you disappear