Photograph by Nickelback
I watch my kids whirl around me as if I’m in the center of a tornado, standing still. I watch them growing and circling me in an upward spiral going faster and faster and I simply cannot keep up.
I spend so much time not missing events: packing football pads, muddy cleats, backpacks that I can barely lift, now basketballs, building animal cells out of Styrofoam, “trying” to help with common core math, who needs new shoes, new math binders, conferences; there is so much “stuff” that kids need, use, and want but when it comes right down to it – the best thing I can give them is my love, my heart, teach them to be kind, polite, and well-mannered young men. Beyond that, simply being with them in all their moments. My hope is that by loving them, it teaches them how to reciprocate love to others.
I realize now and can see clearly what was happening in my idea of a beautiful childhood. I was loved and cared for in such a way, I was sheltered from the monsters under the bed. I couldn’t have asked for or been blessed with better parents, I love my siblings and I know whatever the status of our relationship is, in any day – everyone in my family would show up and I have NO doubt about that. This gives me an incredible amount of courage and strength.
I am able to see life in a different way now. A beautifully complicated mess of opportunities. Living in the moments we have, today, tomorrow, and what happens in the next two hours or this evening. We have choices to make and in those choices we choose to live in those moments or sit complacent and think about what they could’ve been like. In my strongest and weakest moments, I strive to master perfection in these choices. But this is where I have begun to see life and myself differently. We all have these moments that can have an impact on our lives, that we will remember forever or maybe just an ember that blows from the campfire and disappears into the night. But I write to keep my moments, insignificant or not, alive. I feel alive everyday through my moments and how I choose to use them!!
When the twins were born, I can remember Cole’s entire hand holding the tip of my pinkie and being too afraid to even touch Austin. Their chests concave, literally skin and bones, and the ventilators helping them to breathe. I was terrified, so terrified if they would live of die in those moments.
In nearly a month my twins will be 13 and damn, I am so proud and have been blessed by God that these two miracles are in my life. And seriously, where the hell have the years gone??
This morning, the house was in shambles, Christmas lights reflecting in windows, I was doing laundry, writing checks for the next sport (basketball), lacing new shoes, feeding the dog, loading the dishwasher, and like every morning trying to get Cole out of the shower (he never fails to take every ounce of hot water) and my heart was full. Yes, this happens mostly every morning sometimes the tasks change but the basic idea is always the same.
Life can change from day to day. What you choose to do with your day is up to you but somewhere remember there are people out there who in their current state cannot control what is happening. Everyone needs time to digest, make a plan, and decide what is best for them and their families.
Go after what you want, remember where you came from and who helped you get there, don’t look back because we cannot change the past, if you want something different – something you feel compelled to do or change from your history – change it now, if you need a kick in ass to get you moving, I am sure you know someone who is ready and willing! And maybe if something or someone catches you off guard in a moment and you let yourself be with whatever it is; you may learn more than you ever thought you could. It could possibly change your entire perspective on life.