Can we heal our scars?

img_how_to_get_rid_of_burn_marks_on_the_skin_with_home_remedies_1630_origI have scars that remind me of old stories.  Some happened so long again I can barely remember; I know if I asked my parents about them, they would surely know some of the answers of where my external scars came from.

I have two scars on my right hand from trying to do hand stands. She challenged me to how many we could do each and when we collapsed to the ground, she scratched me.

Another scar, on the inside of my right knee where the corner of the screen door ripped through my skin after my Dad had repeatedly told me that was going to happen if I didn’t move from where I was sitting.  I didn’t move and I now have a six-inch scar on the inside of my knee from the screen door tearing through.

I have a scar just under my belly button about 10 inches long from a C-section horizontally just beneath this scar…there is an internal scar I can’t see, running vertically about 10 inches an emergency to save one of my sons. I have a scar from my first love – shattered and broken.  It is now just a memory.

I am sure if we all thought about our scars we could list them.  I have created scars on my body…self expression…designs and patterns that I want to be remembered.  They are all apart of my body now and on my skin for all to see.  I chose each of them for a very specific reason and they will forever be on me.  Would I do this again…yes.

Scars are easy to spot or see on most of our bodies. There is an entirely different type of scar that may be so deep that no one knows it’s there. One has buried it and only a few will ever know it’s there. These scars can change you; redefine you.  These scars strip us down to the core, make us define our ourselves and create an entirely new way of looking at the world.

These scars turn our lives inside out. They break our hearts, tear us apart, and make us wonder if we will survive.  These scars, I believe are more than one sided…there is a cause and effect to everything and there are always two different ways to look at any given situation.  I believe that these scars require conscious decisions…guided by our individual faith.

I have made a handful of these types of scars inside of myself and because I have made them, they in turn have affected others around me…and scarred them as well. We cannot change any of our scars but we all can make the conscious decision as to how they will effect the rest of our lives and how we look at them in our current lives.  We can change how we react to them in the here and now. If they happened years ago, we can still learn from them. We can allow ourselves to keep them close but at bay as long as we keep moving forward.

Do not dwell on things of the past, we will never get those moments back and who wants to move forward constantly looking over their shoulders? If people look beyond what is rooted within them; their children for example…one can never get that time back and the children will change and evolve as they get older. Someday, one will get that knock on the door, hear the ring of their phone, an email and that child will reach for them.  The children will want to know why, where, how; they will want to know you – the biological parent.  At this point, the parent and child will have lost so much time….and the building may begin but there will be so much lost time.  This indescribable scar can never be the most difficult to heal.

 

 

 

 

Sister.

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I’ve been blessed many times by the people in my life. I am blessed that I have been given so many opportunities. Many challenges have presented themselves to me which have rocked me to my core – challenging who I am, what I believe and what my purpose is in this world…in my life.

I have had low, lows and high, highs. Every trial or speed bump, every tear of joy, laughter, and kind humanity blesses me.  I have been so grateful in my life and the best part is my heart is open not hardened and dark from my struggle.   I do, have a wonderful life.  Yes, I am a work in progress and I am always learning.  I learn from “my people,” my friend’s, my family, I learn from reading, I learn from my experiences small and large.

I have this friend, who…I can’t quite explain in words how much she means to me.  How much I need her and I believe she needs me just as much. (Or at least, that’s what I would like to think.) We aren’t neighbors but if the circumstances presented themselves, I would jump on that train in a heartbeat.  I am amazed by her compassion, her loyalty, her attitude – nothing gets in her way and she is the most determined woman I know. Her laughter and kindness can and will change the world.

We have spent hours and hours talking – the light conversation and the heavy dirty shit that we bury deep inside, we sit in silence, we laugh and we laugh well – without control, we do not guard our souls, our secrets, or truths from each other.  We are exactly alike but also different. We fit together perfectly, we balance each other, when I am weak she is strong, when she is weak I am strong.  Our playfulness began years ago, now when it gets physical she somehow, can pin me to the floor and cover me in spray cheese until I beg for mercy.  Someday, I will get her back and I will be the champion.

She pushes me to charge full speed ahead toward my fears and we both find humor in things that others would not.  This is the best feeling – we just get each.  There could be a room of hundreds of people but for us, we are the only ones there.  We cry together, I feel safe with her, I lean on her – when she is in town, I fight for the seat next to her. I drive her crazy like I did when I was younger but we don’t have the line down the center of the room any more and she hasn’t tied me up in tights lately (due to me annoying her).

I love her deeply and wish I could see her every day. If you know someone like this tell them, let them know because moments pass and the opportunity can too.

She came first and I came second.

My sister, my friend.

What do you love?

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye

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I love the smell of old books and seeing notes on the edges of the page and highlighted areas, words and phrases that meant something to someone else.  The crunch of fall leaves.  I love raw and honest conversations that can catch two people off guard and the intimacy that occurs in those moments.  I love hand written letters. I love being surprised, spontaneous, risky and feeling safe in someone’s arms.  I love “heat,” the crackling sounds and smells that come from a wood stove.  I love to feel challenged mentally and physically. I love to surprise others! I love blankets.  Soft thick heavy blankets and being buried underneath them.  I love getting dressed up every once in a while.  But I can’t beat my love for yoga pants, Hudson jeans, and perfectly worn out sweatshirts. I love writing. I love exploring different environments – places I have never been, farms, fields, cities, and towns. Even more I love the high old growth trees that get lost in the sky, I love how they creak when the wind blows – the rain that drips from the needles… under these trees I would love a secret hideaway. The bottom of those timbers some what primitive.  A ranch-style getaway like the one I grew up in. I love teaching. I love learning. Being inspired and inspiring others.  I love sister trips and the Martin clan trips.  I love watching my boys grow. A new love – watching them play basketball. I love that tipsy feeling where one let’s their walls down and becomes completely raw, they bare themselves naked. I love the way laughing with someone makes me feel.  I love hot showers. I love rearranging furniture. All kinds of music…different cultures.  I would love to take a year and travel with no certainty of where I might end up next.  I love laughing, laughing in an intimate situation, sometimes quietly in inappropriate situations because that is the only way I will get through. I love my family.  I love reconnecting with old friends and connecting with new ones. I love the depth of someone’s eyes. I love a good bottle of wine, lemon drops but my go to is beer. Hot tubs, walking in the rain, I love feeling loved without needing the words, I love looking through someone’s view of the world, their faith, life plan, and listening. Candlelight. Little spoons. Meeting a new person and feeling a connection in the first moments. Confidence but not arrogance. Swimming. Words. Volleyball. Cross-Fit. I love laying between the sheets. I love someone else making me coffee. I love a clean house. I love the smell of hops in August. I love taking life not to seriously – there is a time and place for all things in life but letting go and getting out of my head is indescribable. Being real.  Being who I am and having courage without worrying about what others may think. I love the sound of an acoustic guitar. I love dive bars. I love being with someone when I can watch them drift to sleep. I love truly knowing someone. I love living!!