Expected the Unexpected

How do I tell you when I started loving you….it was long before you noticed me?   I wanted you to see me and not her.  I wanted and waited for you to kiss me and you didn’t. I know you wanted her.  We talk on the phone for hours but it was usually about her. I finally got a card tossed on the maroon seat of your car that said “expect the unexpected”.

Younger; I loved that you were older, stronger, always so kind and your soft skin with a foreign smell.  After years of knowing you… the scent of Curel lotion.  Years later, I still buy it.  No one knows why, but me.  I suppose, a silly reminder of the past.

I always found myself watching you when I saw you, I would sneak a peak…I memorized all your smiles.  I could tell when you were up or down. We both leaned on each other…. we should have been better together like we planned-we would have been, if things were different.

Your smile is hidden in my memory…. its strange after year’s you forget a lot of the bad and remember the good.  It doesn’t change anything. We have moved on.

My happiness for the place you are in now is unmeasurable.  It didn’t work with us but things do find a way of working themselves out, in time.  I respect our choice, in the end of it all. It needed to happen.  Years and Years later, we are here separate.  Living our wonderful lives. But I can still remember you.

I harbor no hatred, no judgment, but a sense of clarity and a bit of happiness in my soul that we have made it to the places where we once wanted to be, together.  Separately now, with the people I believe we were meant to find.

We tried to meet at times after the relationship, very few times but it was distant, we had hurt each other equally and I could never apologize for some of my choices.  They were simply to awful and selfish, I am so sorry for what did to you.

I was too young and jealous, so jealous.  I own that I helped ruin us…but I also learned about true love.  Real love, forgiving love, and how to love someone unconditionally.

I hope that you love your life, your struggles are few, your joy is plentiful, that you have found IT!  Your one true love!

My mind finds you quietly every once in a while-Curel lotion, a certain song, a certain movie, and specific street sign.

In my head, in that moment, I wish you well, send a blessing your way, happiness to you and your family.



Go Ahead, Unfriend Me!

unfriendEvery day, I go to this object which is now so much more than just a common telephone.  It is the root of all evil…..do I still get sucked in, yes!! But do I complain, not really!!

It’s full of gadgets and buttons, that I may push by accident and who the hell knows what will happen when I do?? I attempt to push these buttons with purpose and knowledge of what will really happen….as if the world will stop!  At this point, my children know my phone better than I do.  Does life require me to have this…..hell no….but I have fallen into this sucking vortex of technology.  Yes, I can make my way through an apple product (shit, don’t shoot me for be an apple person) but I can get done what I need too on most Apple products.

So, with social media as it is today….I will claim its awful, what’s the point, and -uck it…..but yes, I fail and I continue to use it. Do I share my heart, soul, and deepest darkest secrets on it…..no way!!!

I woke this morning with a big fat UNFRIEND ME in Facebook.  Now, logically who the hell cares…..she isn’t worth it any way if she feels the need to even check that box but I was a upset.  Yes!  What the hell?  Why did it bother me, to be unfriend??  By someone I see a few times a year??

Part of me says screw it all (technology, I mean), did I really need to wake up with someone trying to -ucking play scrabble with me at 6am….what the hell could I spell at that hour, of any meaning?? Click to another screen, how much money is in the bank, oh okay. Weather??  Schedule for the day.

So, I continue about my day and feel sad for her that she feels the need to spend her time un-friending people online.  Did I make my choice, yes?  Did I know it would cause the “un-friending”? NO!

I had been with the “new” girlfriend the night before (unplanned), He was just not in love with her any more (now has a new friend) and now you unfriend me…..were we even friends in the first place or just friends in this cyber world that means nothing.  Yes, I can have very serious conversations through a text message…..does some of it get lost literally because of the gifts language brings to us-in the spoken word! Hell, yes….things can happen in the spoken word….words make things happen!

So, I actually see you outside of this “unfriend” me world and you no longer speak to me, I guess we aren’t friends any longer but by now…..sadly, I would say I am a veteran of being friends with six different couples who have gotten or are getting divorced.

So, I again, reexamine… were we even friends?? Did you become friends with me because of families or him? Or did I do that? Who Knows?  Who cares?

Snap Chat…..WTH, now I get a snap chat from you saying you are un-friending me, is that absolutely necessary when Facebook already tells me that….but go ahead introduce me to Snap Chat, that deletes our messages after a certain number of minutes…..why Snap Chat me that you don’t want to be my friend?? The only purpose I see– is if you are trying to hide some unsightly photo that you would never ever want to go public.

Now, ask me if I care if you unfriended me?  Go ahead, ask!! Well, I do because I am human and I do have a heart! It was the fact that instead of being a human and saying i’m done or screw you to my face……I saw it on a screen.  Is this what human contact has come too? Nothing face to face but screen to face?  Something is so wrong!!

A few days ago I forgot my phone quite frankly, I lost it and went to town willingly and it was so freeing, relaxing……like I was stranded on  beach with a bucket of ice cold beer and…… really, I was roaming the isles of Cash & Carry.

Other than a phone, what is this Apple good for?? Other than eating it or running it over with my car?? I am one friend short today and I guess I am okay with that.

But, I will keep my Apple!

Everyone Has a Past

I will never forget the first time.  The first time I realized I was in love.  I believe there are different types of love and different ways to love people because no two people are the same.  Peo…

Source: Everyone Has a Past



I walked up the large, steep, steel ramp. I slammed my foot down and it vibrated up my leg.  I was forced to take a silly picture against a  green screen and I was given a map. Yellow arrows were pointed out on the floor to me by a Vet. His jacket covered with patches, three metals, and a cap he wore with honor, tipped down over his left eye.  The wrinkles around his sunken eyes and creases at the corner of his smile pointed me ahead, I wanted to stop and sit, ask him questions, listen to him talk about those years on this ship.  I smiled and said thank you without looking back.

I left my heart sitting with him on that bench….now a retired director on a ship he loved and served his life on-no one would ever understand where he had been. Today, tourists walk by excited and busy without even seeing him.  This man of honor and steel.

I followed the yellow arrows around and under, up stairs and down stairs, in bunk rooms, in senior officers rooms, kitchens, mess halls, the Captain’s quarters. I peered through the same port holes, ran my hand down the rough steel exterior of a gun that I couldn’t possibly image going off. I laid on a bunk….three high and once in the bunk, I could not get out or down.  How could a full grown man fit in that bunk?

The steps, the stairs, the arrows, getting lost even with the arrows and the map, the history that was in front of me and behind me, so much life once happened on this ship….everything around me, underneath me…..I couldn’t breath, couldn’t catch my breath, I was so quiet, I could hear everything. Tears rolled down my face…

I was so moved. I could hear mates shouting , I could feel the exhaustion in me trying to imagine what these men and women sacrificed for us, for our country, the emotional burden of what it might be like without a family, I stood on the port side of the ship, wind on my face and whispered, “thank you.”

As I followed the arrows back to the exit ramped, I shook hands with every officer I passed-making sure to look into their eyes.  Without saying any words. Their eyes told me years of stories. They showed me their wounds, their losses and their wins and how proud they were to be a officer on the USS IOWA.