Can we heal our scars?

img_how_to_get_rid_of_burn_marks_on_the_skin_with_home_remedies_1630_origI have scars that remind me of old stories.  Some happened so long again I can barely remember; I know if I asked my parents about them, they would surely know some of the answers of where my external scars came from.

I have two scars on my right hand from trying to do hand stands. She challenged me to how many we could do each and when we collapsed to the ground, she scratched me.

Another scar, on the inside of my right knee where the corner of the screen door ripped through my skin after my Dad had repeatedly told me that was going to happen if I didn’t move from where I was sitting.  I didn’t move and I now have a six-inch scar on the inside of my knee from the screen door tearing through.

I have a scar just under my belly button about 10 inches long from a C-section horizontally just beneath this scar…there is an internal scar I can’t see, running vertically about 10 inches an emergency to save one of my sons. I have a scar from my first love – shattered and broken.  It is now just a memory.

I am sure if we all thought about our scars we could list them.  I have created scars on my body…self expression…designs and patterns that I want to be remembered.  They are all apart of my body now and on my skin for all to see.  I chose each of them for a very specific reason and they will forever be on me.  Would I do this again…yes.

Scars are easy to spot or see on most of our bodies. There is an entirely different type of scar that may be so deep that no one knows it’s there. One has buried it and only a few will ever know it’s there. These scars can change you; redefine you.  These scars strip us down to the core, make us define our ourselves and create an entirely new way of looking at the world.

These scars turn our lives inside out. They break our hearts, tear us apart, and make us wonder if we will survive.  These scars, I believe are more than one sided…there is a cause and effect to everything and there are always two different ways to look at any given situation.  I believe that these scars require conscious decisions…guided by our individual faith.

I have made a handful of these types of scars inside of myself and because I have made them, they in turn have affected others around me…and scarred them as well. We cannot change any of our scars but we all can make the conscious decision as to how they will effect the rest of our lives and how we look at them in our current lives.  We can change how we react to them in the here and now. If they happened years ago, we can still learn from them. We can allow ourselves to keep them close but at bay as long as we keep moving forward.

Do not dwell on things of the past, we will never get those moments back and who wants to move forward constantly looking over their shoulders? If people look beyond what is rooted within them; their children for example…one can never get that time back and the children will change and evolve as they get older. Someday, one will get that knock on the door, hear the ring of their phone, an email and that child will reach for them.  The children will want to know why, where, how; they will want to know you – the biological parent.  At this point, the parent and child will have lost so much time….and the building may begin but there will be so much lost time.  This indescribable scar can never be the most difficult to heal.

 

 

 

 

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With Arms Wide Open — By Creed

The sun creeps over the peak of the barn

beats down on the dew covered grass

The outer row of the orchard

cast beams of light through the rows inside

 

So much space and yet I take it for granted every day

not everyone has this, the ability to wake in the morning

and see the day break across the horizon

 

I prayed for this day to give me clarity, a path

when I woke this morning, to see the world differently

 

No more guilt, just life experiences

no more trying to please people

at the cost of myself…

 

I seek true happiness for myself because it is what I need —

at what point should I live and let live

 

There as a part deep down inside of me that is not satisfied

if I could figure out what it was I would nail it

to the floor and chip away at it until it’s gone

 

Standing in the rain is an amazing cleanse-

I wished for the rain last night

running down my face, neck, arms and traveling

the length of my body until it falls to the ground

 

Clouds paint the sky in blues and shades of white

going through the motions, might just get me to tomorrow

My list of chores continues to grow

so, I start at one

take a cleansing breath in and prayer for rain

I am Happy for That…

 

Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith

There was a time in my life that I stepped away and pulled back from all the people who loved me. I felt stuck in the life I had chosen and couldn’t talk to anyone about it.  I was stubborn at my young age and was trying to convince myself that if I just pushed forward it would all workout.

I was falling deeper and deeper into an abyss of darkness and depression and unconsciously began to give up, thinking why would anyone want to hear me talk about this deep dark sadness that no one would understand in hearing.  I was so tired of people telling me to just go work out and everything would feel better and be better.

I had thought about my first marriage starting with this burden but had told myself it was the only way.  What a crazy thought right? I actually had to convince myself to go through with the wedding.

I sat in this beautiful white dress with a vail draped over one shoulder, eating apple slices, and I was in such a state of panic that I couldn’t contain my nerves and started to have a panic attack.  My dear friends and sister were in that room and after I took my anxiety medication, the chaos and stress seemed to slip away.  It was as if I was looking through rose colored glasses.  Everything was blurry but I felt okay. I was ready to walked down the isle.

When I look back now I wonder how many people thought that marriage was a bad idea.  On my side or his side, I am sure there were both.  His eyes were welled with tears when I walked to face him and my dad kissed my cheek and presented me to him.  Giving me to him and I stood there wanting my dad to say no but he did not.

We got through the vows, the rings, the first kiss, and back down the isle to sign the marriage license. The music swirled around us, people eating and enjoying the venue and love that filled the room that everyone was feeling made me dishonest.  I knew that I loved this man but there were too many barriers, too many reasons I should have said no, and they hurt we had caused each other already was unrepairable.

There was a scuffle about what to cut the cake with and why his mother had to be involved, and a gift was given to my new husband but not to me…it was only for him. I cried in the parking lot as his real father and step mom were leaving. Wasn’t this supposed to be the best day of my life?? Why was I hurting so much and why was I alone?

Soon after our married life began, after the honeymoon, we were home trying to fix the problems we had before.  They didn’t get better, easier, or go away.  They, in fact, got worse. We both tried to figure things out but papers were signed, Thanksgiving my family moved me out of our house in the pouring rain. The rain felt right on a day like that, I was exhausted with my own tears so the rain helped because I was numb.  I was numb and I was empty.

I would love to tell you that love won out in end, we had some amazing reconciliation, but we didn’t.  There is more to this story but today I’m not ready to go any deeper.  As I still feel this sense of loss for the mistakes I made, the part I took in breaking the “us” we once were. I can say, that he is happy and I am happy for that!

You Can’t Win Them All

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Do you ever get into a conversation that is going no where? After a few “back and forth” across the table, you resign yourself to the fact that there is no point.  Yet, in some sick and twisted way you still engage and can’t walk away. I think it is hard for me because I can’t just walk away when I don’t believe in something someone is saying.

I strive to be heard – the real me.  For someone to truly know me inside and out, the good the bad, the ugly. Also, all the warm fuzzy parts of me – what I think is a sense of humor, kind, full of love, and a dreamer.

Somewhere across the table there is a personification of the strength of Thor – there isn’t anything breaking through no matter how much there might be a shock and aww moment.

For me, it’s not about him winning or me winning…. it’s about compromise and the tug of war that continues to go on seems to get you no where. He pulls, you pull. What is this actually helping you either of you – defiantly not seeing more clearly.

I hate to say it but I have seen my clearest sense about me when I am put under extreme dangerous situations or on any days of trauma. There have been deaths that came unexpectedly, illness, accidents, near death experiences for me and in the eye of the tornado, I know I am the calming force.  As the tornado dissolves I usually end up with heavy emotions weighing on my shoulders the way “Atlas” held the weight of the world on his “Shoulders.”

Some days you don’t win them all, some days I don’t win at all. Sometimes there are a lot of deep breaths where I have learned to quite my mind. And take a long moment to pause and realize I am blessed with.

 

** Keep watching for my book to order later this month!

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I have seen this quote before or different forms of it. It sends a slight nervous feeling down my spine, an uneasy feeling in my stomach, and a quietness in my mind.  Memories flood back. Something flawed and something I regret, something that would probably cause people to judge me. I know I could make a difference…even if only, to one person.  Raise awareness…

I am considering speaking about something in my life that happened. I am so worried about what people will think if they hear me speak…maybe, not that I am worried but worried about what it will make my family feel.  I don’t want to embarrass  anyone or have this be a reflection of others around me.

I know I have something to share, a point of view, something that will “split me open” and I don’t know if I am ready for it.  It often floods in and out of my mind, my writing and I always erase or delete it…I keep telling myself, let it go.

I wonder if speaking would set me free?

 

 

Expected the Unexpected

How do I tell you when I started loving you….it was long before you noticed me?   I wanted you to see me and not her.  I wanted and waited for you to kiss me and you didn’t. I know you wanted her.  We talk on the phone for hours but it was usually about her. I finally got a card tossed on the maroon seat of your car that said “expect the unexpected”.

Younger; I loved that you were older, stronger, always so kind and your soft skin with a foreign smell.  After years of knowing you… the scent of Curel lotion.  Years later, I still buy it.  No one knows why, but me.  I suppose, a silly reminder of the past.

I always found myself watching you when I saw you, I would sneak a peak…I memorized all your smiles.  I could tell when you were up or down. We both leaned on each other…. we should have been better together like we planned-we would have been, if things were different.

Your smile is hidden in my memory…. its strange after year’s you forget a lot of the bad and remember the good.  It doesn’t change anything. We have moved on.

My happiness for the place you are in now is unmeasurable.  It didn’t work with us but things do find a way of working themselves out, in time.  I respect our choice, in the end of it all. It needed to happen.  Years and Years later, we are here separate.  Living our wonderful lives. But I can still remember you.

I harbor no hatred, no judgment, but a sense of clarity and a bit of happiness in my soul that we have made it to the places where we once wanted to be, together.  Separately now, with the people I believe we were meant to find.

We tried to meet at times after the relationship, very few times but it was distant, we had hurt each other equally and I could never apologize for some of my choices.  They were simply to awful and selfish, I am so sorry for what did to you.

I was too young and jealous, so jealous.  I own that I helped ruin us…but I also learned about true love.  Real love, forgiving love, and how to love someone unconditionally.

I hope that you love your life, your struggles are few, your joy is plentiful, that you have found IT!  Your one true love!

My mind finds you quietly every once in a while-Curel lotion, a certain song, a certain movie, and specific street sign.

In my head, in that moment, I wish you well, send a blessing your way, happiness to you and your family.