Where does your Light come from?

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Light that squeezes tightly through an old fashion key hole

Light that drips up over the edge of a mountain and fills a valley

Light that breaks through the heavily wooded Douglas fir trees down to the moist soil

            Sticks crack and break under my feet

Light paints the sky and slowly fills the Grand Canyon glowing in pinks, oranges, and yellows

Light sparkles from a diamond when the sun hits it just right

Light I invite into my home as I pull the blinds every morning filling the house room by room

Light means something different to everyone.  It can be used in many sentences in many different ways. But for today.  Light is how my soul feels.

The scent of coffee

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Can I push you back inside for a few more hours? Busy places to be and give our time away? We own our troubles and different perspectives….so all of our giving and taking can uplift your mind just for doing something else for one in need. I crave more time.

I want to give you a still, even paced time to be relaxed for couple days, I always assume you are busy because I assume this could be a joke but my gut says it is set on the amazing character you have. You will call, text, etc. It is awful waiting. You have blood running deep within your personality, attraction, and curiosity. I assume with your character it the tough exterior which you only give a key to a very few in your life? I try to give you all your vices in one place whiskey, cigarettes, a breather between rounds, the heat turned up high just so you can turn it down. The scent of coffee reminds me of you no matter what the place, space, or time. Still I wonder where you are, when will long it be and if I will ever see you again.

 

 

April 1st – 2:30am

Streetlight by J. Radin

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Opportunities circle around my mind like a tornado. Tornados destroy homes, buildings, people and everything they cross paths with, my thoughts are filled with perspective changes, the things I desire in life and the changes I want to make and am currently making.   These tornadoes give me the sense of rebuilding and lifting up my own doubts and dumping them like in the book “Atlas Shrugged”.

I wish I could slow life down. Taking a deeper harder look at what to dump in my life that causes me to doubt myself, worry, stress about, anxiety that causes painful migraines. But instead I have been listening to my gut!

I really desire relationships that fulfill me, give me a new outlook on my life, remind me of how much I have and that it takes nothing to give back and I have made this a major focus in my life. I do want someone who respects me enough to give and to take, the world goes round and one just can’t be alone all the times. Whoever I am building a relationship with; new friend, rebuilding an old one, meeting a stranger and simply be moved by their energy and outlook on life. Whether new friends or old friends I have had a chance to figure out I love being spontaneous, surprising others, I like plans but most days I like to fly by the seat of my pants. I think there is a clear distinction of someone always doing the reaching out and then someone showing up when it is convenient.  I love this excitement and I continue to discover it.  This is something I am trying to figure out, it is not something I want to dump from my life I want to keep it but I try to keep my mind from its own torturous wanderings.  The thrill of excitement…and the unknown really spark a fire deep inside me. I want to go skydiving, bungee jumping and read my writing out loud along side the person who helped me find my voice. I just started my Masters in Creative Writing.

I am changing the way I see everything in my life as an opportunity.  I am making this change and continue too.  Certain days I am very aware and sometimes when I get off track, I need about five minutes to re-center and figure out what I am actually wanting to fight for that day. I find a way to change my perspective. I believe we all need to change our perspectives to see something new or to give something back. Even when I feel I have nothing to give it is my intention give more.

On occasion my mind can take over and I constantly have to remind my heart and head to stay moving ahead – looking toward the things ahead of me. Simply to enjoy the day I am in, the moments in that day. I want to feel challenged-the things that I have been struggling through– many people have decided the quit be content with an average life but for what?? There is only this one chance we have to live this life, 5 more years with my children at home, the days are numbered until I hit the big 40.  I am not afraid.  But I do know what people I want to be around, what people I want to share my life with, the getaways I want to go on, and what to do with my moments of freedom filled with spontaneity, excitement, playtime, a calm retreat in the thick of the mossy old growth trees.

Can we heal our scars?

img_how_to_get_rid_of_burn_marks_on_the_skin_with_home_remedies_1630_origI have scars that remind me of old stories.  Some happened so long again I can barely remember; I know if I asked my parents about them, they would surely know some of the answers of where my external scars came from.

I have two scars on my right hand from trying to do hand stands. She challenged me to how many we could do each and when we collapsed to the ground, she scratched me.

Another scar, on the inside of my right knee where the corner of the screen door ripped through my skin after my Dad had repeatedly told me that was going to happen if I didn’t move from where I was sitting.  I didn’t move and I now have a six-inch scar on the inside of my knee from the screen door tearing through.

I have a scar just under my belly button about 10 inches long from a C-section horizontally just beneath this scar…there is an internal scar I can’t see, running vertically about 10 inches an emergency to save one of my sons. I have a scar from my first love – shattered and broken.  It is now just a memory.

I am sure if we all thought about our scars we could list them.  I have created scars on my body…self expression…designs and patterns that I want to be remembered.  They are all apart of my body now and on my skin for all to see.  I chose each of them for a very specific reason and they will forever be on me.  Would I do this again…yes.

Scars are easy to spot or see on most of our bodies. There is an entirely different type of scar that may be so deep that no one knows it’s there. One has buried it and only a few will ever know it’s there. These scars can change you; redefine you.  These scars strip us down to the core, make us define our ourselves and create an entirely new way of looking at the world.

These scars turn our lives inside out. They break our hearts, tear us apart, and make us wonder if we will survive.  These scars, I believe are more than one sided…there is a cause and effect to everything and there are always two different ways to look at any given situation.  I believe that these scars require conscious decisions…guided by our individual faith.

I have made a handful of these types of scars inside of myself and because I have made them, they in turn have affected others around me…and scarred them as well. We cannot change any of our scars but we all can make the conscious decision as to how they will effect the rest of our lives and how we look at them in our current lives.  We can change how we react to them in the here and now. If they happened years ago, we can still learn from them. We can allow ourselves to keep them close but at bay as long as we keep moving forward.

Do not dwell on things of the past, we will never get those moments back and who wants to move forward constantly looking over their shoulders? If people look beyond what is rooted within them; their children for example…one can never get that time back and the children will change and evolve as they get older. Someday, one will get that knock on the door, hear the ring of their phone, an email and that child will reach for them.  The children will want to know why, where, how; they will want to know you – the biological parent.  At this point, the parent and child will have lost so much time….and the building may begin but there will be so much lost time.  This indescribable scar can never be the most difficult to heal.

 

 

 

 

Sister.

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I’ve been blessed many times by the people in my life. I am blessed that I have been given so many opportunities. Many challenges have presented themselves to me which have rocked me to my core – challenging who I am, what I believe and what my purpose is in this world…in my life.

I have had low, lows and high, highs. Every trial or speed bump, every tear of joy, laughter, and kind humanity blesses me.  I have been so grateful in my life and the best part is my heart is open not hardened and dark from my struggle.   I do, have a wonderful life.  Yes, I am a work in progress and I am always learning.  I learn from “my people,” my friend’s, my family, I learn from reading, I learn from my experiences small and large.

I have this friend, who…I can’t quite explain in words how much she means to me.  How much I need her and I believe she needs me just as much. (Or at least, that’s what I would like to think.) We aren’t neighbors but if the circumstances presented themselves, I would jump on that train in a heartbeat.  I am amazed by her compassion, her loyalty, her attitude – nothing gets in her way and she is the most determined woman I know. Her laughter and kindness can and will change the world.

We have spent hours and hours talking – the light conversation and the heavy dirty shit that we bury deep inside, we sit in silence, we laugh and we laugh well – without control, we do not guard our souls, our secrets, or truths from each other.  We are exactly alike but also different. We fit together perfectly, we balance each other, when I am weak she is strong, when she is weak I am strong.  Our playfulness began years ago, now when it gets physical she somehow, can pin me to the floor and cover me in spray cheese until I beg for mercy.  Someday, I will get her back and I will be the champion.

She pushes me to charge full speed ahead toward my fears and we both find humor in things that others would not.  This is the best feeling – we just get each.  There could be a room of hundreds of people but for us, we are the only ones there.  We cry together, I feel safe with her, I lean on her – when she is in town, I fight for the seat next to her. I drive her crazy like I did when I was younger but we don’t have the line down the center of the room any more and she hasn’t tied me up in tights lately (due to me annoying her).

I love her deeply and wish I could see her every day. If you know someone like this tell them, let them know because moments pass and the opportunity can too.

She came first and I came second.

My sister, my friend.

What do you love?

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye

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I love the smell of old books and seeing notes on the edges of the page and highlighted areas, words and phrases that meant something to someone else.  The crunch of fall leaves.  I love raw and honest conversations that can catch two people off guard and the intimacy that occurs in those moments.  I love hand written letters. I love being surprised, spontaneous, risky and feeling safe in someone’s arms.  I love “heat,” the crackling sounds and smells that come from a wood stove.  I love to feel challenged mentally and physically. I love to surprise others! I love blankets.  Soft thick heavy blankets and being buried underneath them.  I love getting dressed up every once in a while.  But I can’t beat my love for yoga pants, Hudson jeans, and perfectly worn out sweatshirts. I love writing. I love exploring different environments – places I have never been, farms, fields, cities, and towns. Even more I love the high old growth trees that get lost in the sky, I love how they creak when the wind blows – the rain that drips from the needles… under these trees I would love a secret hideaway. The bottom of those timbers some what primitive.  A ranch-style getaway like the one I grew up in. I love teaching. I love learning. Being inspired and inspiring others.  I love sister trips and the Martin clan trips.  I love watching my boys grow. A new love – watching them play basketball. I love that tipsy feeling where one let’s their walls down and becomes completely raw, they bare themselves naked. I love the way laughing with someone makes me feel.  I love hot showers. I love rearranging furniture. All kinds of music…different cultures.  I would love to take a year and travel with no certainty of where I might end up next.  I love laughing, laughing in an intimate situation, sometimes quietly in inappropriate situations because that is the only way I will get through. I love my family.  I love reconnecting with old friends and connecting with new ones. I love the depth of someone’s eyes. I love a good bottle of wine, lemon drops but my go to is beer. Hot tubs, walking in the rain, I love feeling loved without needing the words, I love looking through someone’s view of the world, their faith, life plan, and listening. Candlelight. Little spoons. Meeting a new person and feeling a connection in the first moments. Confidence but not arrogance. Swimming. Words. Volleyball. Cross-Fit. I love laying between the sheets. I love someone else making me coffee. I love a clean house. I love the smell of hops in August. I love taking life not to seriously – there is a time and place for all things in life but letting go and getting out of my head is indescribable. Being real.  Being who I am and having courage without worrying about what others may think. I love the sound of an acoustic guitar. I love dive bars. I love being with someone when I can watch them drift to sleep. I love truly knowing someone. I love living!!

Faith

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There are nights I lay tossing and turning, I’m hot, I’m cold…drowning my body in blankets and trying to turn off my brain.  I wish I had a magic pill for this but instead I chose to write, paint, take a walk in the freezing cold and the darkness of night, getting out of bed wandering the house at midnight, reading, laundry…. anything to distract my mind from my worry from what happens tomorrow to next week. I find calm in being outside, walking my dog, sitting by the fire place and my writing.

This type of anxiety or fear is not good for me or you. I push through it; I don’t believe it to be a flaw but somehow I have not let it consume me.  Working out has been new to me –  at least in a Cross Fit gym.  I forget it all everything seems trivial and I show myself that I have great power inside me and that I can push my body harder and harder and I can still stand. (Literally.) This has become a crazy addiction for me. It strips away my fear, anxiety, gives me a clear mind and when I leave I know I can conquer any of my anxiety and fear drifts out the window.

There are many people in my family that are fighting for theirs right now.  Fighting for their lives and I look for answers but they aren’t there. So, the phrase, “let go and let God” gives me comfort as of late.  The circle of life will continue unfortunately these family members are living in fear, worry, stress with prayer and faith.  Having faith and believing that God has a plan for each and every one of us.

I am worried about these families and their families.  I hurt because I know they are. I want to help but don’t know how…so I have fallen to my knees a lot lately in prayer to give them strength, to lift them up, to bless them, to show them guidance when everything around them might seem dark. I no longer ask “why,” but pray in faith, “that God will provide them with strength.”

Come as You Are

Come As You Are by Crowder

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Life catches you off guard.  In the last year there have been significant moments where I have had to make choices and chose a new path.  Along these journeys, it has given me a new vision, my faith has become stronger, and I have surprised myself at how strong I am even at my weakest. I see the world more clearly; I know that I would rather have fewer amazing people in my life than know the masses of the people around me.   A tight knit “extended “family that knows my heart – just as I know theirs.  This extended family shows up when the darkest of clouds are over head and when the sky’s are blue and the sun beats down on us we play in joy and laughter at the purest of moments where we find nothing better to do than just be in each other’s company for however long it lasts.

I have had days where life spins me in circles, feelings of being ripped off the ground and I struggle to find my footing. I forget sometimes to breath, pay attention to what’s going on around me and pay attention to self care.  I wish I saw more givers and less takers in the world.  I want to believe the best in people and forget about the opposite. But this is unrealistic.

People in general spend so much time hiding who they really are and acting in a way that seems natural but just isn’t – depression, disease, abuse, people who don’t have family, some who can’t see their family or children or the millions of people who don’t have a place to sleep or food to eat.   I have been looking deep inside to find something that will fill this space or void I have carried around, this feeling of “I am not doing enough”.   I said, I want to believe the best in people. I figure, if I am the best version of myself, I believe I can impact change.

This past year, I committed to start working out more frequently so I joined Cross-fit.  It is unlike anything I have ever done physically in my life.  I have pushed myself to the place where I say, “I can’t” and then others start to cheer you on and through the exertion, sweat, tears, and injuries I push myself to places and complete exercises I never thought my body could do.  Yes, I fall but I get up and I have proven to myself that “I can”!  I am strong, I get exhausted and I know when I hit that point of breaking, I am capable of pushing forward and not giving up!  This “thing” I have become a part of, what I used to say was “insane” purely out of judgment.  I participate in reguarlary and it has changed my life. I have power that I didn’t know I had. The gut-wrenching strength I have because I have proved it to myself. In this comes self-care, purpose, and not the idea of; but the self-truth that I will never give up.  Cross-fit strips my mind and my body down to nothing and all I can do is to keep pushing forward.  This may seem simple but it has empowered me to find great strength inside of myself.

I desire to share my writing about life and what it means to me through self discovery, instead of talking about how I want to help people, I think it is a shit or get off the pot scenario for me (this is a terrible analogy) …. quit talking about it. I need to do and not say.  I need to take care of who I am because it has proven to give me great strength and empowerment. I need to get outside the bubble and pop it.  All the while, keeping in mind, I need to stay focused on self care and self discipline. Take risks, give back, pray and continue to have faith in life that I am where I am supposed to be!

I have now jumped into a few things.  I am a bit nervous and excited but only because of the unknown. I will finish my CASA training soon and I have just started the training process for the American Red Cross Disaster Response team.  I have realized over and over…life is so short, too short. I have real life experience (so does everyone else) but for me it is the most obvious in my home with my children.  Life changes so quickly. Do what drives you inside, allow yourself to discover new adventures if you have the means, even if you may go it alone for awhile, and may be outside of your comfort zone. Don’t second guess yourself. You may find a new calling something you are drawn too, carry your faith with you and push forward. Keep moving.

I have taken so many leaps this past year – I am not going to drone on about them but if you know me, you may know of my “leaps”.  Instead of being complacent I have had to hit the reset button on me.  I so value being raw with my people – cut the bullshit and just lay it out there. I don’t want to believe or live in a fantasy world that life is all rainbows and butterflies.  Life is also about struggles and never giving up. Take this one life you have and live it!

You can find this in your soul (something pushing you to look for, a person, a place; something simply unexpected and it’s your choice to step off the cliff whether you dive or jump you will instinctively come up for air.  Take that leap of faith and in time you just might find a better understanding of yourself and a new purpose.  You can find yourself shifting paths, the future is uncertain but what you might find ahead in your new surroundings is a place you find a new hope, a sense of purpose, and a new comfortable fit for exactly who you are now, perhaps a new calling – today keep moving forward with your faith, knowledge and strength.

There is so much life out there, so many moments, so many adventures…so use this opportunity to get up and get moving.  The world needs more of these people rather than the whiners and waiters.

Always.