Pulling Away

love-sand-in-hands-heart

There are times I second guess myself out of fear, being let down or someone else letting me down. Why is this?  Am I truly just trying to make others happy or should I focus more on own happiness and make that be number one.  So many people say you have to make yourself be happy first but isn’t that a load gun… ready to fire, type statement for all of us?

I feel I have to be the best mom possible to my children and I do put my own happiness aside because I am their mom. I figure it will all come back around when they graduate. I don’t know if this is right or wrong but part of me says I have to keep working on me…in five years what will be left of me if I don’t start focusing on me now.  My children will be very busy in athletics, socially, and trying as hard as they can in school, just to complete high school and leave home.

I already feel my kids pulling away.  It’s no longer cool to hold hands with me or put their arm around me when they are near their friends.  It seems they want me less and less and Dad more and more.  I wish I had a road map to being the best mom, the right mom, and give them exactly what they need when they need it. But the other side of me says,  I would be doing them a grave dis-service because they are at the point where I need to let them figure somethings out on their own. (But not too much.)

I may be terribly judged for making this statement…but heaven for bid, I say something that most parents already think. Parents need parent time and it needs to be a priority. Moms and Dads both need time away from their children.  Not because, you will both be running away from the kids screaming, “I can’t do this any more,” but because when you are in the full swing of parenting, people get tired, they focus only on the kids, and forget about the relationship and no one should neglect their partner for so long that one of them just starts to feel numb.

Romance, Intimacy, Sex, Conversations about things other than the kids, Foreplay, time without children, cannot be forgotten.

I was finally home.

I came to this place with boxes, clothes in suitcases, shopping bags stuffed full with everything I needed access too on a daily basis.  Everything I had to my name came in Rubbermaid containers…some of which hadn’t been opened since high school.  They had been moved from colleges, attics, dorms, houses, basements, the home our babies first lived in, and then moved again, to the farm.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into but I knew I could trust my husband on blind faith that everything would work out.  Don’t hold your breath…everything has worked out so far!! But we have tons of time left to screw it up! HA!

We are so luck and blessed to be a part of this legacy this parents created years ago.  I am not going to lie-it gets lonely for me. I am surrounded by everything beautiful, everything that everyone is so jealous of, but you know women…they never are quite satisfied.  Today, I can say this farm is everything I ever dreamed it could be.

I have two amazing 12 year old boys, who yes, act up at times. They are polite, kind, loving, generous, well behaved, for the most part–not like some other kids we know that after an hour with them we want to drown them!  (Understand, this is a joke!) My boys are helpful-they vacuum, do the dishes, clean their rooms, do the laundry, work in the yard, help out on the hysters, 4-wheelers, and check the traps in the orchard. I could not ask for better children and this is because, of course, they have two wonderful parents (HA!) but also because of our families.  Most families don’t have both sets of parents near, practically fighting over them.  Everyone wants “their” time…..is that a wonderful problem to have or what…a wonderful gift to have, I say!

There is so much to complain about in life but does all that little shit matter….when you have family, food on the table, a home, and more family-a loving husband, my parents, his parents, his brothers (and Jaimy, damn it-marry her, already) and my siblings with their kids.  My brother and sister who have given my kids, cousins!! I always loved my cousins growing up……I still do, but life changes!! Today, I say-just be satisfied in this moment!

Moving to this farm was very hard for me, having my in-laws closer than neighbors, trying to figure out where I fit out here, in this dream land my husband was living in…..fulfilling his dream of work and raising our boys on the farm.

Somehow, in someway, moving here almost 10 years ago I found my voice again.

It was always here hiding inside me….being called out daily. Always, I stuffed it back down deep inside over and over, until it broke free.

A certain someone, Brittney Hall, kicked my ass in gym one day.  I moved slowly for weeks, sore everywhere, places I didn’t know I could be sore, and her positive outlook and driven personality-broke down my wall.  I remember sitting down after one of the classes she tried to kill me in, I was looking out the window, raining falling, so sore…..I leaned back, closed my eyes…..and my left hand found my black roller ink pen and I started to write again. My pen couldn’t keep up with my words, I wrote for six hours straight that day……. listen to this song by Andra Day called, Rise Up! (I would put it here for you to listen to but I don’t know how to do this….damn technology!)  This song, is again in thanks to, Brittney Hall.

Morning, afternoon, and evening I continued my writing, crying, I wrote the ink clean out of two pens!

I knew that day, I was finally home!