The “What Is” Scenario…

 

beautiful-red-umbrella-rain-wallpaper-desktop1Life is a funny thing, I constantly am re-writing my life – discovering new things every day and the people I surround myself with has a lot to do with these new discoveries? Life is ever changing and the fluidity of the life “just is,” there is always something happening, right?  To me, to you, to the next person you walk past.  And none of us truly know what any one person is going through whether it be a great new promotion at work or they have been told that they are losing their battle with cancer. There are so many “what if’s” and I need to work on letting go of the “what if’s” scenario and become focused on the “what is” scenario.

Life is constant…moving in and out, ebbs and flows, high tide and low tides, sorrow and great joy, and there is a lot of truth and a lot of lies, but if life wasn’t this way we would all be standing in quick sand letting our lives and experiences slowly disappear. My experiences shape who I am and why I believe in the things I do. However, there is a time and place an opportunity presents itself to me to help someone else with sharing my experience with them.  This is a very valuable trait….to open up and really get raw with someone else (let your soul become raw) when you feel the need, when you feel moved to do so and for me…it’s a very distinct feeling and I know it right away. Sure, I could breeze past these opportunities but down to my core, I WANT and DESIRE the need to help others.

I let myself overthink situations, things people say, and read into words I take completely wrong (that, I believe to be a common trait for a writer), this only speaks more to why I am pondering and starting to figure out to simply, let more shit go.

Don’t get me wrong, I am who I am and therefore parts of me will always just be as they are. Change is possible and you have to let yourself become aware of how you are truly feeling.  Be “raw” with yourself!

Some of the things I value about myself are: my desire to always be the best version of myself, the value of family is huge…my tribe (these are the ones I know I could run to no matter what trouble or situation and they would be next to me no matter what), I love hard and I love deeply, I am passionate, I believe the best in people unless they show me otherwise, I also believe in second chances, relationships MUST be nurtured or they can crack and break. There is give and take to everything, I NEED to be more courageous…. I do have hot buttons…. if you want to go there with me…game on! If you want to mess with family, my children, or be disrespectful…game on!!

 

 “Become aware that there are no

accidents in our intelligent universe.

Realize that everything that shows up

In your life has something to teach you.

Appreciate everyone and everything in your life.

                                                -W.D.

A Place of Comfort…

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A navy bench lines the wall with a chalk board of half erased cocktails and what’s “on tap” … covering the green and yellow wall.  The bank it once was only remembered, in the now as a game room complete with barred doors, a deadbolt and a dartboard at the end of the room.  In 1926 the vault held treasures, gold, wills, and secrets of plenty.

Stories whirl around me and I listen without listening.  Ease dropping, people would hate and enjoy the ridiculousness of their topics. Girls giggle and coo and a young man sits at at the same table texting and looking around the entirety of the bar. He looks bored but continues to listen as if he really cares.

A couple dines, what seems to be a Thursday night date. They eat, drink a beer, wine, food, napkins on laps and then breeze back through the ding of the door without saying goodbye.

The men behind the bar are bearded and sexy.  One, with slicked hair, with what looks to be a curling iron burn on his forehead (which can’t be right, in my mind), it goes on. He has a mustache for miles curled up in just the right way it looks to be cradling his nostrils just beyond his face.

Three in vests holding to a fashion piece in their closest but I think this maybe their only piece. But hey, does any man need more than one statement piece?  A suit jacket makes anything look good and a vest and tie looks good with any bottom…. maybe not whitey-tighties or boxers but the right lady, would love it!!

Oh, another shows up and waits behind the counter in a tweed vest, backed with maroon polyester running from here to there, douting on any person who waves their hand in the air.  Clearing menus, regurgitating the nightly specials, and running with plates at his shoulder like a marathoner without the number on his shirt but only the 100 meters and shorter – table to table, back and forth, back and forth.

Kindness, gentle, and a black paisley tie runs down the V of the owner’s vest, maybe needs his neck-hair trimmed…. the beard is very Duck Dynasty but somehow fits him.  It’s rugged and sexy.  Rough waves have knocked him to his knees lately but not to the ground.  How is that men can take so much more of an emotional mental beating than women? Are women not built to be as equipped? Quick to respond or just built from different materials?? Are men just better at hiding it??

Women are completely built to handle what men can, I say.  Strength is something I will not argue.  Sometimes it comes down to men being men.  I would like to be tough and rugged but I am not.  I am determined and committed to complete any task but can’t handle what most men can…honestly, no.  I am frank and I am honest about this.  I am who I am.

However, I would like to give a big shout out to four women: JMM, Utah, DJ, and BH.  These women can move mountains and if you put any of these women against any normal man…in a certain setting – ANY of these women would do some serious damage to any part of their body.

I know if anyone came after my kids, I do not know what I would be capable of. I would probably surprise myself! I would be kickin’ some serious shit. Woman, defending spawn.

This place, I have written four times now with the same people behind the bar. The same hi-backed chair, the same copper bar top, and the same “me” sitting at the end corner of the bar with a laptop.

I write well here, there is no explanation. Is it the ambiance? Maybe the way I show up? It’s quiet and then very loud as the hours pass. Expecting nothing but the blank computer screen in front of me?

Who knows, but I keep coming back to this place that I find comfort, people that I would say are “my tribe” and an evening of observing people.  Or at least, feeling comfort with my “words,” in this moment with these friends and another few moments pass as the minutes’ hand circles the clock on the wall.

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I have seen this quote before or different forms of it. It sends a slight nervous feeling down my spine, an uneasy feeling in my stomach, and a quietness in my mind.  Memories flood back. Something flawed and something I regret, something that would probably cause people to judge me. I know I could make a difference…even if only, to one person.  Raise awareness…

I am considering speaking about something in my life that happened. I am so worried about what people will think if they hear me speak…maybe, not that I am worried but worried about what it will make my family feel.  I don’t want to embarrass  anyone or have this be a reflection of others around me.

I know I have something to share, a point of view, something that will “split me open” and I don’t know if I am ready for it.  It often floods in and out of my mind, my writing and I always erase or delete it…I keep telling myself, let it go.

I wonder if speaking would set me free?

 

 

Places Inspire Creativity

 

  1. In the grass, Greasy Creek trickles next to me (sometimes toes in the water)
  2. Just about any old picnic table anywhere
  3. Anywhere the sun is setting
  4. Any time or place in the rain – secluded
  5. Mt. Hood after a hike
  6. Multnomah Falls on the trail
  7. Silver Creek Falls any where
  8. In a quiet or busy pub (love the noise but also the quiet)
  9. Imagine Coffee on Philomath Blvd.
  10. My writing nook at home (no boys allowed!)
  11. People watching in PDX – great writing prompts come from this!
  12. Did I say in the rain?? I actually have waterproof paper!
  13. Any trip I am on with my sister
  14. After, seeing Aubrey, Darcy, Christie, or Ricky (when I was much younger)

 

Across this page…

Pair-Green-upholstered-arm-chair-2-seatI will write to you

What I cannot say

Always; its blankness is inviting and free to explore

Fear, Passion, Pain, and simply put—

Words to express to you who I am, who I want to be, please don’t go.

 

I will open to you on these lines

A part of me, very few see

Always; its freeness is allowing me to give you everything that I am—

Scratches of ink that create not the most beautiful words but words

I cannot always speak in that old green corner chair.

 

I will memorize the different smiles you have, all of your different laughs, your eyes

Always; I need them every day—

Only to recognize your face and words later…I know I will remember.

 

I will think of you

Always; our stillness together finds its way back to where we are

Specific words and language on a card, first blank like this page

A necklace, Nike sweatshirt and twinkle lights & a pine tree

 

I will give this to you

Someday

Always; a blank sheet or computer screen to find us again—

To re-explore all that we are, used to be, and want to be

 

I will see you…

Making Your Pieces Fit…

puzzle-pieces

Do you have missing pieces that just don’t fit anywhere except inside of you? In a secret place that only you know about. Perhaps there is no secret too big or too small to explain why you buried them in the first place. However, they still exist just the same, in the corners of your mind, in a familiar smell, lyrics in a song, a quick glance from someone and your eyes meet, a single touch, laughter, and the memory of what another was like year’s ago…sometimes, just a feeling one gets, when one senses another human being…unexplainable except to those who feel it.

We, as beings have “this” sixth sense and I have learned that I need to listen and let myself feel that sense.

It can be as simply put as mind over matter or allowing yourself to push past the pain and let your muscle take you further, to give in when you don’t need to pick “that” battle at “that” specific moment, to trust that sense when you feel like giving up and you know it isn’t the end…for some of us, it’s to suck it up and face the fear, to guide your children in the way you believe to be right, to know when to speak up and when to back off  but remember your words can hurt, so say sorry over and over in this life–because whatever comes next, you will only wish that you had said it, when it could have made a difference.

I want be of one voice with my spouse, to not hide behind others judgements to stand up and disagree or walk away, to know when enough is “your” enough, and to take back your power and simply speak up…speak out…and always remember to stay out of someone else’s battle, fight, or business and only then, is it okay to give advice, when you are asked.

These pieces and your “sixth” sense are connected. Listen to them.  Be strong in the face of adversity (remember not to give up), this is difficult as we often know that anger comes with these challenges. Be gracious, forgiving, and somehow, in some way, WE all need to let go to move forward. Does anyone really want to be standing in a stagnant pool in a swarm of mosquitoes but we can’t move because we are surrounded by alligators, I don’t think anyone would want that.

We, as beings want to make things better, fix what is broken. If one needs help ask for it, talk to someone about that piece of you that doesn’t quite fit-someone probably very close to you has been there.  They will hold on to you, care for you, and love you in just the way you need. We all strive to move on, to love, to live, to experience, to learn and to enjoy every day with the beautiful sun and the storms that will come. Whether it be, in the sun or the storm, we will learn to let go of some of those pieces.

Flicker

 

There are moments in life where it flickers.  It flickers like the electricity right before it goes out on a stormy night.  Like every night, I am fast asleep unaware of anything and everything, my body at complete rest.  Out of nowhere, I am awakened and I can’t get to a pen and paper fast enough to get my words out.  I toss and turn trying to fall back asleep, my mind became more aware of my words, stories, exact phrases that I know could be something someday and mean something to someone.  For years, I have been overwhelmed by my own words and thoughts. Life happens and my love affair with writing; what has always been my dream was put on the back burner by no other guilty party than myself. I let me go…I made it less important than everyone and everything else in my life.  So, there it has sat for years.

Fast forward…

I know this gal…this beautiful gal.  I have known of her for years, not well but just really thought she was nice and always pleasant to chat with whenever our paths crossed. This one particular day after telling her for hundredth time that I would come to her gym to her class she taught…I was called-out and when I say called-out, I mean Facebook shamed in the most polite and gentle way with the bi-cep curl emoji con.  See, I had said I needed to workout, to get this booty o’ mine off the couch and get it kicked into shape for years and had mentioned it her and she always had invited me to her classes.  I said I’d come but didn’t…how many of you have done this in one way or another, in some situation; be honest friends. Have you??

Thursday morning, I got up and put on three different pair of yoga pants before I found one that fit and got my tired unshapely bum in the car.  It was as if she was daring me on Facebook, poking the bear in me, and it worked.  I drove to her gym and walked in knowing that I would hate her the next day for how sore I would be! (Ha!) Her class was filled with familiar faces which felt comfortable and right away her strength, beauty, humor, and grace appeared to me.

I had been always enjoying her insightful Facebook posts and they always hit me on the right day that seemed to fit with whatever I was struggling with that moment.  She is inspiring and although I am sore every day and the day after for whatever we did in class that day…I keep coming back to class.  She is strong, willful, supportive and funny. In fact, is one of the most authentic people I have met in along while.  A breath of fresh…

Since, being inspired by this gal to get my booty up and start working out, to go after what I want and to be the best version of myself that I can for everyone around me. Something ignited…ideas and words swirling around me like fireflies in the night.  The way I remember them to dance around me at dusk back east at my Grandpa and Grandma’s house…I remember being in my pj’s with a glass jar, running around the yard with the greenest grass I had even run barefoot on.  I caught each word and idea that zipped around me dancing in light and caught them in my jar.  Just now after all these years, I am opening my jar of written words and they fly out of someplace bottomless.

To this motivating friend, thank you!