I am Happy for That…

 

Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith

There was a time in my life that I stepped away and pulled back from all the people who loved me. I felt stuck in the life I had chosen and couldn’t talk to anyone about it.  I was stubborn at my young age and was trying to convince myself that if I just pushed forward it would all workout.

I was falling deeper and deeper into an abyss of darkness and depression and unconsciously began to give up, thinking why would anyone want to hear me talk about this deep dark sadness that no one would understand in hearing.  I was so tired of people telling me to just go work out and everything would feel better and be better.

I had thought about my first marriage starting with this burden but had told myself it was the only way.  What a crazy thought right? I actually had to convince myself to go through with the wedding.

I sat in this beautiful white dress with a vail draped over one shoulder, eating apple slices, and I was in such a state of panic that I couldn’t contain my nerves and started to have a panic attack.  My dear friends and sister were in that room and after I took my anxiety medication, the chaos and stress seemed to slip away.  It was as if I was looking through rose colored glasses.  Everything was blurry but I felt okay. I was ready to walked down the isle.

When I look back now I wonder how many people thought that marriage was a bad idea.  On my side or his side, I am sure there were both.  His eyes were welled with tears when I walked to face him and my dad kissed my cheek and presented me to him.  Giving me to him and I stood there wanting my dad to say no but he did not.

We got through the vows, the rings, the first kiss, and back down the isle to sign the marriage license. The music swirled around us, people eating and enjoying the venue and love that filled the room that everyone was feeling made me dishonest.  I knew that I loved this man but there were too many barriers, too many reasons I should have said no, and they hurt we had caused each other already was unrepairable.

There was a scuffle about what to cut the cake with and why his mother had to be involved, and a gift was given to my new husband but not to me…it was only for him. I cried in the parking lot as his real father and step mom were leaving. Wasn’t this supposed to be the best day of my life?? Why was I hurting so much and why was I alone?

Soon after our married life began, after the honeymoon, we were home trying to fix the problems we had before.  They didn’t get better, easier, or go away.  They, in fact, got worse. We both tried to figure things out but papers were signed, Thanksgiving my family moved me out of our house in the pouring rain. The rain felt right on a day like that, I was exhausted with my own tears so the rain helped because I was numb.  I was numb and I was empty.

I would love to tell you that love won out in end, we had some amazing reconciliation, but we didn’t.  There is more to this story but today I’m not ready to go any deeper.  As I still feel this sense of loss for the mistakes I made, the part I took in breaking the “us” we once were. I can say, that he is happy and I am happy for that!

Expected the Unexpected

How do I tell you when I started loving you….it was long before you noticed me?   I wanted you to see me and not her.  I wanted and waited for you to kiss me and you didn’t. I know you wanted her.  We talk on the phone for hours but it was usually about her. I finally got a card tossed on the maroon seat of your car that said “expect the unexpected”.

Younger; I loved that you were older, stronger, always so kind and your soft skin with a foreign smell.  After years of knowing you… the scent of Curel lotion.  Years later, I still buy it.  No one knows why, but me.  I suppose, a silly reminder of the past.

I always found myself watching you when I saw you, I would sneak a peak…I memorized all your smiles.  I could tell when you were up or down. We both leaned on each other…. we should have been better together like we planned-we would have been, if things were different.

Your smile is hidden in my memory…. its strange after year’s you forget a lot of the bad and remember the good.  It doesn’t change anything. We have moved on.

My happiness for the place you are in now is unmeasurable.  It didn’t work with us but things do find a way of working themselves out, in time.  I respect our choice, in the end of it all. It needed to happen.  Years and Years later, we are here separate.  Living our wonderful lives. But I can still remember you.

I harbor no hatred, no judgment, but a sense of clarity and a bit of happiness in my soul that we have made it to the places where we once wanted to be, together.  Separately now, with the people I believe we were meant to find.

We tried to meet at times after the relationship, very few times but it was distant, we had hurt each other equally and I could never apologize for some of my choices.  They were simply to awful and selfish, I am so sorry for what did to you.

I was too young and jealous, so jealous.  I own that I helped ruin us…but I also learned about true love.  Real love, forgiving love, and how to love someone unconditionally.

I hope that you love your life, your struggles are few, your joy is plentiful, that you have found IT!  Your one true love!

My mind finds you quietly every once in a while-Curel lotion, a certain song, a certain movie, and specific street sign.

In my head, in that moment, I wish you well, send a blessing your way, happiness to you and your family.