There are nights I lay tossing and turning, I’m hot, I’m cold…drowning my body in blankets and trying to turn off my brain. I wish I had a magic pill for this but instead I chose to write, paint, take a walk in the freezing cold and the darkness of night, getting out of bed wandering the house at midnight, reading, laundry…. anything to distract my mind from my worry from what happens tomorrow to next week. I find calm in being outside, walking my dog, sitting by the fire place and my writing.
This type of anxiety or fear is not good for me or you. I push through it; I don’t believe it to be a flaw but somehow I have not let it consume me. Working out has been new to me – at least in a Cross Fit gym. I forget it all everything seems trivial and I show myself that I have great power inside me and that I can push my body harder and harder and I can still stand. (Literally.) This has become a crazy addiction for me. It strips away my fear, anxiety, gives me a clear mind and when I leave I know I can conquer any of my anxiety and fear drifts out the window.
There are many people in my family that are fighting for theirs right now. Fighting for their lives and I look for answers but they aren’t there. So, the phrase, “let go and let God” gives me comfort as of late. The circle of life will continue unfortunately these family members are living in fear, worry, stress with prayer and faith. Having faith and believing that God has a plan for each and every one of us.
I am worried about these families and their families. I hurt because I know they are. I want to help but don’t know how…so I have fallen to my knees a lot lately in prayer to give them strength, to lift them up, to bless them, to show them guidance when everything around them might seem dark. I no longer ask “why,” but pray in faith, “that God will provide them with strength.”
Life catches you off guard. In the last year there have been significant moments where I have had to make choices and chose a new path. Along these journeys, it has given me a new vision, my faith has become stronger, and I have surprised myself at how strong I am even at my weakest. I see the world more clearly; I know that I would rather have fewer amazing people in my life than know the masses of the people around me. A tight knit “extended “family that knows my heart – just as I know theirs. This extended family shows up when the darkest of clouds are over head and when the sky’s are blue and the sun beats down on us we play in joy and laughter at the purest of moments where we find nothing better to do than just be in each other’s company for however long it lasts.
I have had days where life spins me in circles, feelings of being ripped off the ground and I struggle to find my footing. I forget sometimes to breath, pay attention to what’s going on around me and pay attention to self care. I wish I saw more givers and less takers in the world. I want to believe the best in people and forget about the opposite. But this is unrealistic.
People in general spend so much time hiding who they really are and acting in a way that seems natural but just isn’t – depression, disease, abuse, people who don’t have family, some who can’t see their family or children or the millions of people who don’t have a place to sleep or food to eat. I have been looking deep inside to find something that will fill this space or void I have carried around, this feeling of “I am not doing enough”. I said, I want to believe the best in people. I figure, if I am the best version of myself, I believe I can impact change.
This past year, I committed to start working out more frequently so I joined Cross-fit. It is unlike anything I have ever done physically in my life. I have pushed myself to the place where I say, “I can’t” and then others start to cheer you on and through the exertion, sweat, tears, and injuries I push myself to places and complete exercises I never thought my body could do. Yes, I fall but I get up and I have proven to myself that “I can”! I am strong, I get exhausted and I know when I hit that point of breaking, I am capable of pushing forward and not giving up! This “thing” I have become a part of, what I used to say was “insane” purely out of judgment. I participate in reguarlary and it has changed my life. I have power that I didn’t know I had. The gut-wrenching strength I have because I have proved it to myself. In this comes self-care, purpose, and not the idea of; but the self-truth that I will never give up. Cross-fit strips my mind and my body down to nothing and all I can do is to keep pushing forward. This may seem simple but it has empowered me to find great strength inside of myself.
I desire to share my writing about life and what it means to me through self discovery, instead of talking about how I want to help people, I think it is a shit or get off the pot scenario for me (this is a terrible analogy) …. quit talking about it. I need to do and not say. I need to take care of who I am because it has proven to give me great strength and empowerment. I need to get outside the bubble and pop it. All the while, keeping in mind, I need to stay focused on self care and self discipline. Take risks, give back, pray and continue to have faith in life that I am where I am supposed to be!
I have now jumped into a few things. I am a bit nervous and excited but only because of the unknown. I will finish my CASA training soon and I have just started the training process for the American Red Cross Disaster Response team. I have realized over and over…life is so short, too short. I have real life experience (so does everyone else) but for me it is the most obvious in my home with my children. Life changes so quickly. Do what drives you inside, allow yourself to discover new adventures if you have the means, even if you may go it alone for awhile, and may be outside of your comfort zone. Don’t second guess yourself. You may find a new calling something you are drawn too, carry your faith with you and push forward. Keep moving.
I have taken so many leaps this past year – I am not going to drone on about them but if you know me, you may know of my “leaps”. Instead of being complacent I have had to hit the reset button on me. I so value being raw with my people – cut the bullshit and just lay it out there. I don’t want to believe or live in a fantasy world that life is all rainbows and butterflies. Life is also about struggles and never giving up. Take this one life you have and live it!
You can find this in your soul (something pushing you to look for, a person, a place; something simply unexpected and it’s your choice to step off the cliff whether you dive or jump you will instinctively come up for air. Take that leap of faith and in time you just might find a better understanding of yourself and a new purpose. You can find yourself shifting paths, the future is uncertain but what you might find ahead in your new surroundings is a place you find a new hope, a sense of purpose, and a new comfortable fit for exactly who you are now, perhaps a new calling – today keep moving forward with your faith, knowledge and strength.
There is so much life out there, so many moments, so many adventures…so use this opportunity to get up and get moving. The world needs more of these people rather than the whiners and waiters.
I have been reminded lately that life is so short. Things can change in the blink of an eye and some people don’t see it coming at all. It feels like running full speed ahead into a brick wall and I won’t break threw it, I bounce back on my butt as if I was a rubber ball hitting that wall.
In the last week, I have found out that one of my family’s dearest friends has cancer. He has just started chemo but his hands are full with work, his other children, and fiancé’. It is the most wonderful person and has been in our lives for the past 13 years. He has a wonderful sense of humor which I believe will take him far in this journey. I saw him before his treatment and I love this guy so much and we have gone through so much in our sudo-family that I couldn’t hold back some tears. I think I hugged him like four times and at the end he was reassuring me that everything would be fine.
Last night I got a call while I was watching a movie that someone I love with my whole heart, had fallen and was taken by ambulance to the hospital with a concussion and doctors were taking x-rays of her entire body. Again, I was again reminded- life is so short. Thankfully, she will only be bruised and sore but she was taken home last night. My children saw the entire fall happen and were great helpers but I could see the worry in their eyes.
I didn’t sleep well last night. My mind filled with love and prayer for these two people and their families. Life changes quickly. My friends and family were lucky at least for yesterday, they are lucky, because things could have been much worse! I have this strong desire to seize the day, carpe diem, or whatever mantra you believe in.
Care for the people who care for you and care of the people who just need to be cared for whether you know them or not. Show the world you are kind and do something for someone else this weekend without expecting anything in return. Pray for more kindness and always have faith.