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I have seen this quote before or different forms of it. It sends a slight nervous feeling down my spine, an uneasy feeling in my stomach, and a quietness in my mind.  Memories flood back. Something flawed and something I regret, something that would probably cause people to judge me. I know I could make a difference…even if only, to one person.  Raise awareness…

I am considering speaking about something in my life that happened. I am so worried about what people will think if they hear me speak…maybe, not that I am worried but worried about what it will make my family feel.  I don’t want to embarrass  anyone or have this be a reflection of others around me.

I know I have something to share, a point of view, something that will “split me open” and I don’t know if I am ready for it.  It often floods in and out of my mind, my writing and I always erase or delete it…I keep telling myself, let it go.

I wonder if speaking would set me free?

 

 

Did she or didn’t she??

sherpa-fleece-feet

Few may know this about me, but I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  It can happen anytime as long as I feel safe and comfortable.  I can fall asleep in the middle of an action-packed triller, a romantic comedy, or any movie or book for that matter.  At the end of every day, no matter what was happening that day–my body relaxes and my eyes just shut.  Yes, I am one of those people who try to fight it-sometimes one eye open, then two, then one again….this could go on for an hour. In and out, in and out as I fight sleep-sometimes even being taunted by those who claim they love me.

My husband and children think it’s hilarious to shout and yell mom just as my eyes close, always I am startled awake and the room fills with laughter.

Just this weekend, while on a quick trip to Great Wolf Lodge in Grand Mound, WA. with my sister and her two daughters, I was reminded of their love for me.  I was told at the end of the trip, that they all were trying to talk to me and mess with me…just as I was falling asleep each night.  Asking me questions, and I was answering them with nonsense as if, I was coherent.

Yes, Yes, my sister of all people, know I can fall asleep anywhere.  I think her least favorite past time is starting movies with me-any genre, no matter the movie title or who’s in it, or how bad we wanted to see it together-I usually miss 3/4 of the movie and she is left awake giggling to herself because she can never stop a movie in the the middle and restart it later.  She and my husband have this same problem, they can’t sleep until it’s over. And for me, that’s not really a problem.

Does it really matter, how many movies that I have started one night with someone and finished the next day alone?  I don’t think so but to some, I could say, I understand this frustration when they lean over to me to say something and again I am sawing ZZZ’s as they are trapped awake and can’t possible hit pause on the movie and join me in my slumber. I know, I am not the only one who suffers from early on set sleep mode when the play button is pushed at the beginning of a movie.  Come on, I know you people exist out there.

Anyway, this weekend, I remember begin curled up under the most wonderful Chenille blanket on my sister’s side of the double bed we shared for the weekend…kids running around making noise…I remember feeling this smooth wave of rest wash over me and no, the t.v. was not on. I dozed off again.  At one point, I continuously remember feeling a small brush or tickle on the bottom of my feet or foot, I was not awake enough to know whether it was happening on one foot or both.  I was in a sleep state where I don’t actually know if someone was messing with me or if in my dream there were bugs tickling my feet, or feathers grazing across my bare feet, or for that matter, whether or not it was dear ol’ sis freaking messing with me.  I don’t remember her ever speaking or making a sound as I slept. The last thing I do remember was hearing my sister, say, “we will get our swimsuits on and meet you down at the pool, shortly.”

So, I am on the bed in my tortured bug infested dream…imagining or feeling (in real life) that my feet were being -ucked with…I lurch forward at the hips to what felt like slamming my head up against a brick wall and awake by my dear sister, who decides it would be a good idea….while her wonderful little sister sleeps…to tickle her forehead and nose with the corner of the feather weight Chenille blanket.

I am now awake…not really awake in the way, I like to wake up slowly. But jerked up by her stupid humor…..and who actually thought that was hilarious but herself and the empty quiet room she was in. Oh’ boy did she ever think it was hilarious!

As for myself, not so much.  We get dressed and I begin to tell her about my foot issue….was it a dream or was she actually messing with me??  Of course, she denied nothing of the sort.  And she stuck with that answer.

The weekend passes and it’s never brought up again…did I ever get even with her for tickling my forehead and nose??? No.  Oh, but I will!

So, I am asking you. Do you think she was messing with me the whole time….were the bugs on my feet disguised and it was really my sister’s fingers?? Or, if I know her as well as I think I do, possibly a plastic fork?

Either way, she’ll get hers next time we see each other!

 

 

 

 

Inside Me

silhouette-woman-sunset_tn2

I feel my identity growing inside me

pieces of me falling like water –

dripping from a leaking faucet

 

my mind has gained all the knowledge

childhood and adolescents can provide

 

my trust is much more than it should be

because of the stability my family has given me

 

my physical body has not been enough

although its been bruised and frail – its visited only a few

physical experiences that one can remember in happiness

 

my emotional

side –

is often seen from the expressions my face sheds –

its felt pain, love, grief , passion, deceit, and understanding

 

with this face I want to be seen –

 

I want to experience and I want to feel

life considering existence

inside of me.

 

Choosing Change & Taking a Leap

There are times when “we” decide to take a leap of faith for ourselves, our families, to learn something or to just move forward in life. You could simply be ready to make a positive change or to move on from something that isn’t good for us anymore. These leaps can be very difficult. Others seem to just transfer smoothly in a new direction-the ones we make by choice are always easier.

I will share some of my leaps with you…

POSITVE LEAPS FOR ME:

* Choosing my friends wisely in high school

* Sports

* Going far-far away to college (40 miles from my home town – at U of O) Ha!

* Marrying for the first time…..because of how much I learned about love (more later)

* Finishing college after I took a year off

* Marrying for the second time and knowing this is it!!! (we just celebrated our 13th anniversary)

* In-vitro fertilization and lots of needles

* Advocating for my children in school every day

* Leaving our first home and moving to the family farm

* Working out again

* Getting back to my passion-writing

* Sending in 3 manuscripts for publication (much later)

* Never giving up!!

NEGATIVE LEAPS FOR ME:

* Transferring from U of O to OSU for someone I was dating

* Taking time off from College

* Getting married when something just didn’t feel right

* Blaming myself entirely for the failure of my first marriage

* Making a choice that could have cost me my life (much much later)

* Not speaking up for myself when I needed too (I still struggle with this)

* Putting up with relationships that were toxic to me

* Not staying in the best physical shape for me

* Not sending in my manuscripts years ago

We all have choices. No matter what the circumstances brought us to making that choice.  We make them every day. Do I change my oil today even though I needed to 1000 miles ago, do I reach out to someone I miss dearly, do I call someone who hurt me and try to talk it through, who am I going to vote for, do I buy that new shirt or not, do I plan a surprise vacation for my family? These are the easy choices.

These are not the life altering choices I see some of my family members struggling with today.  I worry about my family even if they are distant, even if I haven’t seen them in years.  I ache for them and would do anything I could to given them a day without their daily struggles, the battles, the fight and what faces them tomorrow.

Be grateful for what you have! And, if you aren’t happy or don’t feel right about something-change it, work on it, make the choice and take that leap!!

Flicker

 

There are moments in life where it flickers.  It flickers like the electricity right before it goes out on a stormy night.  Like every night, I am fast asleep unaware of anything and everything, my body at complete rest.  Out of nowhere, I am awakened and I can’t get to a pen and paper fast enough to get my words out.  I toss and turn trying to fall back asleep, my mind became more aware of my words, stories, exact phrases that I know could be something someday and mean something to someone.  For years, I have been overwhelmed by my own words and thoughts. Life happens and my love affair with writing; what has always been my dream was put on the back burner by no other guilty party than myself. I let me go…I made it less important than everyone and everything else in my life.  So, there it has sat for years.

Fast forward…

I know this gal…this beautiful gal.  I have known of her for years, not well but just really thought she was nice and always pleasant to chat with whenever our paths crossed. This one particular day after telling her for hundredth time that I would come to her gym to her class she taught…I was called-out and when I say called-out, I mean Facebook shamed in the most polite and gentle way with the bi-cep curl emoji con.  See, I had said I needed to workout, to get this booty o’ mine off the couch and get it kicked into shape for years and had mentioned it her and she always had invited me to her classes.  I said I’d come but didn’t…how many of you have done this in one way or another, in some situation; be honest friends. Have you??

Thursday morning, I got up and put on three different pair of yoga pants before I found one that fit and got my tired unshapely bum in the car.  It was as if she was daring me on Facebook, poking the bear in me, and it worked.  I drove to her gym and walked in knowing that I would hate her the next day for how sore I would be! (Ha!) Her class was filled with familiar faces which felt comfortable and right away her strength, beauty, humor, and grace appeared to me.

I had been always enjoying her insightful Facebook posts and they always hit me on the right day that seemed to fit with whatever I was struggling with that moment.  She is inspiring and although I am sore every day and the day after for whatever we did in class that day…I keep coming back to class.  She is strong, willful, supportive and funny. In fact, is one of the most authentic people I have met in along while.  A breath of fresh…

Since, being inspired by this gal to get my booty up and start working out, to go after what I want and to be the best version of myself that I can for everyone around me. Something ignited…ideas and words swirling around me like fireflies in the night.  The way I remember them to dance around me at dusk back east at my Grandpa and Grandma’s house…I remember being in my pj’s with a glass jar, running around the yard with the greenest grass I had even run barefoot on.  I caught each word and idea that zipped around me dancing in light and caught them in my jar.  Just now after all these years, I am opening my jar of written words and they fly out of someplace bottomless.

To this motivating friend, thank you!