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With Arms Wide Open — By Creed

The sun creeps over the peak of the barn

beats down on the dew covered grass

The outer row of the orchard

cast beams of light through the rows inside

 

So much space and yet I take it for granted every day

not everyone has this, the ability to wake in the morning

and see the day break across the horizon

 

I prayed for this day to give me clarity, a path

when I woke this morning, to see the world differently

 

No more guilt, just life experiences

no more trying to please people

at the cost of myself…

 

I seek true happiness for myself because it is what I need —

at what point should I live and let live

 

There as a part deep down inside of me that is not satisfied

if I could figure out what it was I would nail it

to the floor and chip away at it until it’s gone

 

Standing in the rain is an amazing cleanse-

I wished for the rain last night

running down my face, neck, arms and traveling

the length of my body until it falls to the ground

 

Clouds paint the sky in blues and shades of white

going through the motions, might just get me to tomorrow

My list of chores continues to grow

so, I start at one

take a cleansing breath in and prayer for rain

Whiplash

I Can’t Change the World by Brad Paisley

Dear friends new and old, for those of you who know me well, know that I should be fast asleep right now dreaming of my next travel plans, my birthday (which is tomorrow), and counting sheep and butterflies.  You know that perfect sleep where nothing can wake you.

Well, I am not there, not there at, all because I am suffering from whiplash.

My neck is in such great pain, shooting down my spin to my tail bone.  I am sure the bruising has already begun and I have no idea how I drove home, stayed on the road, crept up the stairs with my bags in stow…let alone, how the hell, I was able to bend over and take my pants off (currently, still sitting here in my bathrobe).  How did I even get my pajamas on?? Should I wake my sleeping husband who is snoring in the other room?

If the sun was out and it was just another normal day, I would scream out in pain and hopefully someone would come running to help me.

But because it is after 10pm, the house is quiet like the night before Christmas and I sit here alone with my head spinning! Reveling in pain, discomfort, and confusion…I am here, drinking tea in the darkness trying to calm myself down.  And tonight, that meditative shit everyone says works….isn’t working for me!!

I have no explanation as to why this happened, I feel so confused, and my heart is racing…I truly feel like I have been slapped across the face with tennis racquet as hard as possible.  So, hard in fact, my face has the strings imprinted on the entire left side of my face.

warning readers: this is a metaphor (I am totally fine!)

Across this page…

Pair-Green-upholstered-arm-chair-2-seatI will write to you

What I cannot say

Always; its blankness is inviting and free to explore

Fear, Passion, Pain, and simply put—

Words to express to you who I am, who I want to be, please don’t go.

 

I will open to you on these lines

A part of me, very few see

Always; its freeness is allowing me to give you everything that I am—

Scratches of ink that create not the most beautiful words but words

I cannot always speak in that old green corner chair.

 

I will memorize the different smiles you have, all of your different laughs, your eyes

Always; I need them every day—

Only to recognize your face and words later…I know I will remember.

 

I will think of you

Always; our stillness together finds its way back to where we are

Specific words and language on a card, first blank like this page

A necklace, Nike sweatshirt and twinkle lights & a pine tree

 

I will give this to you

Someday

Always; a blank sheet or computer screen to find us again—

To re-explore all that we are, used to be, and want to be

 

I will see you…

Choosing Change & Taking a Leap

There are times when “we” decide to take a leap of faith for ourselves, our families, to learn something or to just move forward in life. You could simply be ready to make a positive change or to move on from something that isn’t good for us anymore. These leaps can be very difficult. Others seem to just transfer smoothly in a new direction-the ones we make by choice are always easier.

I will share some of my leaps with you…

POSITVE LEAPS FOR ME:

* Choosing my friends wisely in high school

* Sports

* Going far-far away to college (40 miles from my home town – at U of O) Ha!

* Marrying for the first time…..because of how much I learned about love (more later)

* Finishing college after I took a year off

* Marrying for the second time and knowing this is it!!! (we just celebrated our 13th anniversary)

* In-vitro fertilization and lots of needles

* Advocating for my children in school every day

* Leaving our first home and moving to the family farm

* Working out again

* Getting back to my passion-writing

* Sending in 3 manuscripts for publication (much later)

* Never giving up!!

NEGATIVE LEAPS FOR ME:

* Transferring from U of O to OSU for someone I was dating

* Taking time off from College

* Getting married when something just didn’t feel right

* Blaming myself entirely for the failure of my first marriage

* Making a choice that could have cost me my life (much much later)

* Not speaking up for myself when I needed too (I still struggle with this)

* Putting up with relationships that were toxic to me

* Not staying in the best physical shape for me

* Not sending in my manuscripts years ago

We all have choices. No matter what the circumstances brought us to making that choice.  We make them every day. Do I change my oil today even though I needed to 1000 miles ago, do I reach out to someone I miss dearly, do I call someone who hurt me and try to talk it through, who am I going to vote for, do I buy that new shirt or not, do I plan a surprise vacation for my family? These are the easy choices.

These are not the life altering choices I see some of my family members struggling with today.  I worry about my family even if they are distant, even if I haven’t seen them in years.  I ache for them and would do anything I could to given them a day without their daily struggles, the battles, the fight and what faces them tomorrow.

Be grateful for what you have! And, if you aren’t happy or don’t feel right about something-change it, work on it, make the choice and take that leap!!