View full post

sad_033

On her good days he is there.

When she feels like the weight of the world is baring down on her shoulders, when taking another step seems impossible, and when she feels empty inside he passes through her in her mind, her body, and her heart, she feels nothing.

There are a million little things about life to cheer for to be excited about and to be present in every moment this is required.  Let your shit go and just live. Who you are drifts – back like a heavy fog in the trees or across the highways and you slow to a crawl because you cannot see.

She can see but not in color. Everything is grey. Every once in awhile there are faded rainbow shades of color that sneak back in, then she blink and it’s gone.  There isn’t a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but quick sand that pulls her deeper and deeper. She swims in cold water and something keeps grabbing her ankles and pulls her head under. She can’t breathe and  she is stuck in the darkness.

On her bad days he leaves her. Its been happening for years and he has lost something in her and she in him.  The heaviness in her chest bares down and she drops to her knees, holding herself up by her arms locked at the wrist in the rain covered cement.

Please come back her.

Metal Gate

FullSizeRender-7

We drove for miles, tracing the road with one headlight. In the front of the car there was chatter of fumbles, passes, and touchdowns during that night’s game. The asphalt curved around a bend in the road beneath the 80’s Honda Hatchback.  A dent in the front bummer from rear-ending someone.

The night was so dark, the windows were down and I could see my breath in the crisp moonlight.  She sat next to me, long locks of blonde hair curled around each ear, she smiled and giggled at the conversation in the front seats.  I never knew why because the conversation wasn’t funny.

She was so much fun and for a shy girl who never really knew where she fit, this was the girl everyone wanted to be around.  She was something!  She was beautiful, she was my friend, and her energy and laughter were magnetic.

Maybe that is how I found myself in this car. She liked this boy so much and I came with “her” to keep her company. The driver turned his conversation to her and he reached back with one hand and stroked her leg.  I was so cold, the window still down and the first words I spoke were, “please, roll the window up.”

The other guy, there to amuse me, I assume, didn’t seem to want to talk but I guess, neither did I. The road turned to gravel and it felt like we were driving on uneven ground for miles but to tell you the truth I have no idea where we even were…at all.  I had this uneasy feeling as we started up a hill and around a corner, the car slowed and we stopped in front of a huge metal gate like the entrance to a spectacular home.

We all got out of the car, it was still and quiet. Tree branches crackled under our feet, overgrown with weeds we found our way around the gate. He held her hand and the other tried to hold mine but I pulled away. Bats above our heads and the wind blew threw the trees sending the fall leaves to the ground. We continued on the incline up the hill, I was shaking partly from the cold and partly out of fear.

We broke off into couples and as we walked further we found the foundation of what looked to be the beginning of a building. We stepped further, he grabbed for my hand and this time, I took his. We crested a hill and found what seemed to be three walls of a home.  We stood there on the wooden floor in the center of this building.  The floor was covered in leaves, branches had fallen, two-by-fours cast about…I looked up to the darkness and closed my eyes. Whatever this place was, it had been abandoned and it seemed like years since anyone had been there.

The Douglas fir trees whispered around me and I caught a glimpse of the moonlight. I heard giggling from somewhere in the darkness. I turned around to face him and before I could speak he kissed me.

We never spoke again.

You Can’t Win Them All

IMG_5690

Do you ever get into a conversation that is going no where? After a few “back and forth” across the table, you resign yourself to the fact that there is no point.  Yet, in some sick and twisted way you still engage and can’t walk away. I think it is hard for me because I can’t just walk away when I don’t believe in something someone is saying.

I strive to be heard – the real me.  For someone to truly know me inside and out, the good the bad, the ugly. Also, all the warm fuzzy parts of me – what I think is a sense of humor, kind, full of love, and a dreamer.

Somewhere across the table there is a personification of the strength of Thor – there isn’t anything breaking through no matter how much there might be a shock and aww moment.

For me, it’s not about him winning or me winning…. it’s about compromise and the tug of war that continues to go on seems to get you no where. He pulls, you pull. What is this actually helping you either of you – defiantly not seeing more clearly.

I hate to say it but I have seen my clearest sense about me when I am put under extreme dangerous situations or on any days of trauma. There have been deaths that came unexpectedly, illness, accidents, near death experiences for me and in the eye of the tornado, I know I am the calming force.  As the tornado dissolves I usually end up with heavy emotions weighing on my shoulders the way “Atlas” held the weight of the world on his “Shoulders.”

Some days you don’t win them all, some days I don’t win at all. Sometimes there are a lot of deep breaths where I have learned to quite my mind. And take a long moment to pause and realize I am blessed with.

 

** Keep watching for my book to order later this month!

A Place of Comfort…

FullSizeRender-9

A navy bench lines the wall with a chalk board of half erased cocktails and what’s “on tap” … covering the green and yellow wall.  The bank it once was only remembered, in the now as a game room complete with barred doors, a deadbolt and a dartboard at the end of the room.  In 1926 the vault held treasures, gold, wills, and secrets of plenty.

Stories whirl around me and I listen without listening.  Ease dropping, people would hate and enjoy the ridiculousness of their topics. Girls giggle and coo and a young man sits at at the same table texting and looking around the entirety of the bar. He looks bored but continues to listen as if he really cares.

A couple dines, what seems to be a Thursday night date. They eat, drink a beer, wine, food, napkins on laps and then breeze back through the ding of the door without saying goodbye.

The men behind the bar are bearded and sexy.  One, with slicked hair, with what looks to be a curling iron burn on his forehead (which can’t be right, in my mind), it goes on. He has a mustache for miles curled up in just the right way it looks to be cradling his nostrils just beyond his face.

Three in vests holding to a fashion piece in their closest but I think this maybe their only piece. But hey, does any man need more than one statement piece?  A suit jacket makes anything look good and a vest and tie looks good with any bottom…. maybe not whitey-tighties or boxers but the right lady, would love it!!

Oh, another shows up and waits behind the counter in a tweed vest, backed with maroon polyester running from here to there, douting on any person who waves their hand in the air.  Clearing menus, regurgitating the nightly specials, and running with plates at his shoulder like a marathoner without the number on his shirt but only the 100 meters and shorter – table to table, back and forth, back and forth.

Kindness, gentle, and a black paisley tie runs down the V of the owner’s vest, maybe needs his neck-hair trimmed…. the beard is very Duck Dynasty but somehow fits him.  It’s rugged and sexy.  Rough waves have knocked him to his knees lately but not to the ground.  How is that men can take so much more of an emotional mental beating than women? Are women not built to be as equipped? Quick to respond or just built from different materials?? Are men just better at hiding it??

Women are completely built to handle what men can, I say.  Strength is something I will not argue.  Sometimes it comes down to men being men.  I would like to be tough and rugged but I am not.  I am determined and committed to complete any task but can’t handle what most men can…honestly, no.  I am frank and I am honest about this.  I am who I am.

However, I would like to give a big shout out to four women: JMM, Utah, DJ, and BH.  These women can move mountains and if you put any of these women against any normal man…in a certain setting – ANY of these women would do some serious damage to any part of their body.

I know if anyone came after my kids, I do not know what I would be capable of. I would probably surprise myself! I would be kickin’ some serious shit. Woman, defending spawn.

This place, I have written four times now with the same people behind the bar. The same hi-backed chair, the same copper bar top, and the same “me” sitting at the end corner of the bar with a laptop.

I write well here, there is no explanation. Is it the ambiance? Maybe the way I show up? It’s quiet and then very loud as the hours pass. Expecting nothing but the blank computer screen in front of me?

Who knows, but I keep coming back to this place that I find comfort, people that I would say are “my tribe” and an evening of observing people.  Or at least, feeling comfort with my “words,” in this moment with these friends and another few moments pass as the minutes’ hand circles the clock on the wall.

I Choose You..

DSC_2479

Sunday, 9:27am

Husband outside, anxious and needs to check something off his list

Breathing in and out, green tea, and the sound of Kung Fu Panda dancing around the room

Lights off, grey light squeezes through the crack of the blinds and windowsill

Cole wrapped in his Seahawks blanket, daddy’s chair reclined, messy hair, lips curled upward at the edges

Austin giggles, lips and nose covered, a red weaved blanket covers him, bare toes peak out from under the blanket

I can hear them breathing, in the same room, and just being near them makes me feels whole

Our world has been shifting lately, where Dad has become the main attraction

Mom is the caretaker, while Dad can offer so much more on this farm, so many toys…who wouldn’t want to run outside before eating breakfast

But this morning, they are near me…in quiet, comfortable, laziness and I can breathe in for a few hours with them close to me

Both of my boys wanted to cuddle this morning. Curled up tight like a large breed dog…on a couch that can’t hold its size or weight

So uncomfortable but the body numbs after a while, anything to have them next to me

Six months from now, they will be 13 and oh’ where does the time go?

Engineering, experimenting, building engines, knowing the engine under every hood of car we pass, driving tractors, cars, stacking totes, welding, building a mini bike from plans, four-wheelers…the list goes on and on

My boys have so much ahead of them…

Today, I am content to be in this room with them, Austin now curled at my side, watching a cartoon…it’s been so long since they wanted to watch a cartoon

They are with me today, next to me, these moments are so simple and seem insignificant

Any moment with my boys I cherish…wrapped in blankets, cartoons, messy hair, and leaning on me

I will always be here.

 

I Choose You by Sara Barilles

 

 

 

 

Places Inspire Creativity

 

  1. In the grass, Greasy Creek trickles next to me (sometimes toes in the water)
  2. Just about any old picnic table anywhere
  3. Anywhere the sun is setting
  4. Any time or place in the rain – secluded
  5. Mt. Hood after a hike
  6. Multnomah Falls on the trail
  7. Silver Creek Falls any where
  8. In a quiet or busy pub (love the noise but also the quiet)
  9. Imagine Coffee on Philomath Blvd.
  10. My writing nook at home (no boys allowed!)
  11. People watching in PDX – great writing prompts come from this!
  12. Did I say in the rain?? I actually have waterproof paper!
  13. Any trip I am on with my sister
  14. After, seeing Aubrey, Darcy, Christie, or Ricky (when I was much younger)

 

To My Grandfather…

FullSizeRender-3

I hold you in my hand

your silent ashes dust my palm

fist clenched, I couldn’t release you,

colorful petals to guide you

beneath me, Lake Cushman

above me, a cloudless blue shy

around me, an icy wind without you

everyone who loved you…

A memory of your still body

I stared at you for countless hours

but now, your body does not exist

my angry hand loosens around you

I wanted one last goodbye, your whiskers scratching my face

but I missed it…

remembering the last words we shared

Today, I face life outside you

wondering what our words would’ve been in our last moments

making myself promises because of you

striving for goals to prove myself…”write,” you said.

I can’t guarantee mistakes won’t be made

but I will live on with your name honorably

Not ready, I let you fall between my fingers…

I put you to rest surrounded by family

and the wind carries you to the surface of the water

I was finally home.

I came to this place with boxes, clothes in suitcases, shopping bags stuffed full with everything I needed access too on a daily basis.  Everything I had to my name came in Rubbermaid containers…some of which hadn’t been opened since high school.  They had been moved from colleges, attics, dorms, houses, basements, the home our babies first lived in, and then moved again, to the farm.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into but I knew I could trust my husband on blind faith that everything would work out.  Don’t hold your breath…everything has worked out so far!! But we have tons of time left to screw it up! HA!

We are so luck and blessed to be a part of this legacy this parents created years ago.  I am not going to lie-it gets lonely for me. I am surrounded by everything beautiful, everything that everyone is so jealous of, but you know women…they never are quite satisfied.  Today, I can say this farm is everything I ever dreamed it could be.

I have two amazing 12 year old boys, who yes, act up at times. They are polite, kind, loving, generous, well behaved, for the most part–not like some other kids we know that after an hour with them we want to drown them!  (Understand, this is a joke!) My boys are helpful-they vacuum, do the dishes, clean their rooms, do the laundry, work in the yard, help out on the hysters, 4-wheelers, and check the traps in the orchard. I could not ask for better children and this is because, of course, they have two wonderful parents (HA!) but also because of our families.  Most families don’t have both sets of parents near, practically fighting over them.  Everyone wants “their” time…..is that a wonderful problem to have or what…a wonderful gift to have, I say!

There is so much to complain about in life but does all that little shit matter….when you have family, food on the table, a home, and more family-a loving husband, my parents, his parents, his brothers (and Jaimy, damn it-marry her, already) and my siblings with their kids.  My brother and sister who have given my kids, cousins!! I always loved my cousins growing up……I still do, but life changes!! Today, I say-just be satisfied in this moment!

Moving to this farm was very hard for me, having my in-laws closer than neighbors, trying to figure out where I fit out here, in this dream land my husband was living in…..fulfilling his dream of work and raising our boys on the farm.

Somehow, in someway, moving here almost 10 years ago I found my voice again.

It was always here hiding inside me….being called out daily. Always, I stuffed it back down deep inside over and over, until it broke free.

A certain someone, Brittney Hall, kicked my ass in gym one day.  I moved slowly for weeks, sore everywhere, places I didn’t know I could be sore, and her positive outlook and driven personality-broke down my wall.  I remember sitting down after one of the classes she tried to kill me in, I was looking out the window, raining falling, so sore…..I leaned back, closed my eyes…..and my left hand found my black roller ink pen and I started to write again. My pen couldn’t keep up with my words, I wrote for six hours straight that day……. listen to this song by Andra Day called, Rise Up! (I would put it here for you to listen to but I don’t know how to do this….damn technology!)  This song, is again in thanks to, Brittney Hall.

Morning, afternoon, and evening I continued my writing, crying, I wrote the ink clean out of two pens!

I knew that day, I was finally home!

A Silk Tank and Cowboy Boots

b1fire001

I spent the day getting ready.  Primping, finding just the right clothes, and imagining his eyes when they met mine.  Tight denim clung to my hips, cowboys that amused him, and a silk tank sunk low in a V to just above my breasts. I knew he would peak at any moment. He wanted me and I wanted him with the same urgency.

I checked myself one last time in the rearview mirror…nerves fluttered from my throat to my toes and I could hardly swallow.  All I had to do was get out of the car, my hand trembled as I reached for the handle……swallow…..deep breath…. and finally the warm summer air swirled around me. Engulfed in the evening sunset, I grabbed my cooler from the back of the car and came around the cabin and there he was.

Our eyes met but he did not come over to me.  I talked to everyone before it seemed that we made our way together by force. I hugged him, I was shaking, he trembled and I could feel his soft sweaty palms through my silk shirt. We both wanted to hold on but even then it may have seemed a second to long.

He gave me a cold one and moved back around to the other side of the fire pit.  He kept his distance but every time I looked at him, he was looking at me. The same smile and spark in those blue eyes.

It had been years. So long since we looked at each other, saw each other’s eyes, and how it felt when just the two of us looked at each other.  So long……. since we talked and spent years talking, and not enough time showing each other how much we loved each other.

In an all consuming way, where nothing seemed to fit without the other.  Somehow, we carried on along side each other…watching and waiting for the other to take the first step.  There was never a first step.  Maybe a few seconds of hands touching, a mere kiss on the cheek, but later much later things changed.  Things evolved and it became clear to me.

The moment I knew, I came back from a run.  There was a  wet mist in the air.  I was feeling defeated by my week, all alone, and my mind found him waiting in the dark corners. I stretched, and rested after my shoes pounded pavement and it started to rain.  The kind of rain that washes away  your soul…my hair matted wet on my shoulders, my clothes stuck to every curve in my body like glue and just like that, I knew.

I wanted him and I needed him.

Forever.

 

 

Stay or Go

Sometimes life is complicated.  Everything whirling around like the inside of a tornado. So, fast, you don’t dare look inside.  There is no simply reason why people drift in and out of our lives. But each time for me, it gets a little more difficult to move on, to let go, and say goodbye. Some times, it’s worth it to work at other times it isn’t. It ‘s easier to move on… but it still hurts.

Lately, I have been going back and forth about my friendships.  The people I used to think were my dear friends have drifted-life happens, kids happen, but I think it is a choice to let our friendships go.  Friendships need to be nurtured, taken care of, treasured and it doesn’t mean getting together every weekend, to me, its remembering the little things that show them and their family you are thinking of them.  It is a kindness that you don’t have to work at, it just comes naturally.

Recently, I have realized there are very few friends in my life that I can see on a planned or unplanned basis where we literally don’t skip a beat when we see each other.  We pick up where we left off and the laughter and closeness….begins….this may last for a few short hours or the length of the weekend but these friends I cherish!  They will always be there. I will never be able to tell them what they mean to me…but I plan to show them for the rest of their lives and mine.

I am a firm believer in being grateful and tell people what they mean to me. After all, life if short.  As a writer, I don’t want anything to be left un-said. I want all of my “tribe” to know who they are and what they mean to me.  I want to stop putting energy into things and people that just drag me down….after all, again-life is too short. Feeling pressured or stress to do something because of a friend is just not right, in my mind we respect each other’s opinions, each other’s values, and what is right for them…is what is ultimately best for them.

I strive to be better but as I am finally tackling my dreams head on…..just going for it has given me strength I didn’t know I had. I know I am doing what I want and what is right for my family and myself and I refuse to settle anymore.  I know I can do anything!! I AM!!

wallk1